And one day you think you have a plan and the next day everything seems to fall apart. That's the nature of this beast. Yesterday we went to meet with our RE to discuss a schedule for IVF with my sister's eggs. I was confident going into the meeting and a wreck coming out. We talked about how to sync our bodies and the time line of when this would happen and suddenly the reality of it all dawned on me in a way that made me overwhelmingly sad. Then I talked to my sister who keeps reiterating how stressed out she is with her life and life duties and I felt overwhelmingly guilty. Then we paid $200 for the appointment and I felt overwhelmingly angry. I drove to work thinking, "I can't believe this is my life!" It was overwhelming.
There comes a point where the unfairness of the situation just doesn't mean anything anymore and the insanity of the cost is just what it is. Accepting these things is a process, one that vacillates. I've been in a good place these last few months, but last night I took a bit of a nose dive. While Noah and I have become stronger in many ways through this process, we have also suffered a lot. Our lives have been completely consumed by how we are going to make a baby and afford to make a baby, that sometimes it feels like there is no space for anything else. Even when we try to do other things, sitting in this in between space of not knowing how we are going to wake up from this nightmare is a constant weight.
In moments like these I turn to the "survivors" I've met, interviewed, and become friends with. It helps me to talk to people who have gone through this and come out the other end smiling.
Sarah and Hardy are an incredible and inspiring couple. They went through years of infertility full of IUI's and IVF's, a life threatening ectopic, and eventually the birth of their gorgeous twin girls. And then the miraculous and surprising conception of their little boy, who was conceived naturally four months after the twins were born. Here's a clip of them talking about the challenges of the process and reflecting on their family:
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