With well over 50 friends/co-workers who have gotten pregnant or had babies in the time Noah and I have been trying, I realized the only person suffering was me. Carrying that anger and jealousy around can make you sick and miserable, and it did for a long time. We are so far deep into this mess now it almost just feels like we are on a completely different path. There is the simple road that leads to easy pregnancies, baby showers, and mass email baby announcements, and then there is the OTHER road. The road not taken by choice, but taken in hesitation at what feels like gunpoint.
What does anyone else’s life or situation have to do with me? So what if people have babies? Chances are thousands of babies are going to be born before ours is. Who cares? I ask myself these questions when those ugly thoughts and feelings start to bubble up again. I remind myself my baby is just taking his/her sweet time, and I try not to feel resentment that most of my pregnant friends completely avoid contact with me because they don't know how to be or what to say.
It's just a weird time right now. I know that I want to be an auntie to many of my friends babies, and I don't want to be the crazy, scary auntie. So I have to work on finding an outlet for my frustration and calling it what it is. I'm not mad at babies or at people for having them. I'm just frustrated at our situation and what we have to do to get what seems so easy for others.
No one promised me life was going to be fair or make sense. The best I can do is honor my feelings when they come up, and try to reason with them a bit.
It's all so heartbreaking. The biological urge to procreate is so strong and so...animal. And seeing it happen so easily for others strikes something deep inside. It's a reminder. A trigger. A little salt in the wound. Even though it's not intentional, it always stings a little. Coming to a place of acceptance and love is wonderful and important, but there is always a moment when you find out about yet another pregnancy where you have to take a deep breath. Our babies will come. Some how. Some way. And then that hurt in our eyes we just can't hide will transform to pure joy! Good luck. Never give up!
Posted by: Don't Count Your Eggs | June 21, 2013 at 02:08 PM
Your blogs and writing touch me each time, not only because I am going through the same struggles in life, but because they're so incredibly real. For the last almost 9 years of my marriage, we've seen and experienced friends go through pregnancies and births and birthdays and more pregnancies and more births. Some of my friends now have 3,4, and even 5 children. My mom once said she witnessed the hurt behind my eyes at a baby shower. That was pretty powerful. I didn't realize how much it really was hurting me, and even worse, how I was apparently showing it. Of course, my mother said it was only really obvious to her because she knows me so well :) I've now come to a point in life where I am not, cannot, be jealous or angry at other's fortunes. A baby is a miracle, no matter who's family they're chosen for. We've gone through 2 IUIs and I'm not giving up. I still too have the option of adoption or even possibly fostering children, but I really want to try and make my dream of carrying my own child inside of me. Thank you for putting it all out there. Its important to know that infertility is very real and not something to only speak about behind closed doors.
Posted by: Blake | June 19, 2013 at 08:23 AM