It's great to have a plan, because then you know where you're headed. But a plan for IVF or anything fertility related often takes a lot of time and preparation. I often feel like I'm in a holding pattern, a waiting room for when we can get started. When we first met with our doc in May 2012, before we could start our cycle I had to wait to see if I could get more follicles, then I had to wait for the follicles to be of similar size, then I had to wait for a cyst to go away. It was always something. We didn't start our first IVF attempt until November! And what I realize now in retrospect is that my life was about waiting. Waiting, worrying, planning. That's like seven months of "being in process" and it's an awful way to spend your life! I went to work and basically maintained as best I could, but I didn't make any forward moving progress, I just waited.
When our IVF cycle failed, I had all the sadness and disappointment that's to be expected, but I also felt really angry. I was angry that infertility had stolen my life and that I had wasted so much time and effort preparing for something that ended up a bust. I now realize I let infertility steal my life, because I didn't know what else to do. It's all consuming. It's emotionally exhausting. It's financially limiting. But...it doesn't have to be the only thing. It's a HUGE thing, and a thing that requires you to be kind and patient with yourself, but now that I'm gearing up to go through it again, I'm making sure that infertility isn't all I've got on my plate. It makes for really boring dinner conversation.
Even though dealing with infertility is always on the forefront of my brain, I've promised myself not to wait around counting the days until we get started. I know the days we have left, 25. Then I'll start Lupron and start praying. Until then I will focus on living life fully and presently. Doing yoga, making new friends, reading books that don't have the word "baby" in the title. Whatever it takes to help me feel like I'm not just crossing off days like my life is an advent calendar, because let me tell you, an IVF cycle ain't like Christmas!
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