I find that the best way to cope with the ups and downs of infertility is to have a plan, and then a back up plan. Every decision and option is a compromise so you've got to go with that feels the best in a given moment, and then have the runner up choice in your back pocket.
This week, I've gotten a lot more comfortable with our runner up choice, which is adoption. I tired to change my perspective from one of fear (what if the birth mom changes her mind last minute?) to one of optimism and openness to whatever child comes into our lives. So much of my life and the decisions we've had to make are fear based, it feels good to make that shift. But it takes some time to come to terms and Noah and I don't always arrive at the same decision at the same time. But the more we talk about it and think about it, the more comfortable we both are. By yesterday Noah seemed more on board with the back up plan.
But our first choice is still to try and preserve our biology and have the experience of being pregnant through my sister donating her eggs. It's been a struggle for all of us in my family, especially as we learn more, both positive and negative experiences, about the donor egg process and the risks. This was a decision my sister needed to come to on her own, and yesterday, after much deliberation, she did. She said yes. She said she weighed the risks and potential benefit of helping us bring a life into the world and decided it was something she wanted to do. My heart sank when she told me. Her voice sounded sure, but we were both at work and didn't have much time to talk. I worry that her mind may still fluctuate or that this decision will weigh on her for a long time. But I have to respect that she is a grown up and able to make decisions for herself. It's an amazing sacrifice and Noah and I feel so lucky.
Here is a clip of us talking about our plans and our lives at this moment in time. While we continue to muscle through life as an infertile couple, it doesn't seem as dire. Perhaps that's because we have a plan.
Thanks for saying that Erin. It is sooo hard when all my friends pop out babies "on accident" while I am struggling so much. Seems like you totally get that. I feel constantly misunderstood and hypersensitive to everything and have to remind myself that it is just hard for others to understand. FInding people to relate to has been absolute key in staying sane.
Posted by: Don't Count Your Eggs | June 12, 2013 at 08:21 PM
I am a friend of Laura Tremaine's from college, and I found your site through her blog. My husband and I went through our own infertility challenges, and I have to tell you that EVERYTHING you and Noah say is SO relatable. For me, the only thing that helped was having someone else understand what we were going through...which no one close to us did. I guess I'm telling you this to say that, while I'm sure they are therapeutic for yourself, your updates probably bring a lot of people comfort and are much appreciated.
Posted by: Erin | June 12, 2013 at 12:05 PM
So excited for this next chapter in both of your lives! However it comes to be, you and Noah are going to be great parents :) I also love Noah's take on letting your future child know just how badly you wanted him/her... I am a witness to that! xo
Posted by: Gladys | June 07, 2013 at 02:47 PM