The other day someone asked me how I knew when to move on to donor eggs. I'm 33 and we have only done one IVF and two IUI's (only, ha!), and we know many people who do five, ten round of this. Often something works, some times nothing works. The decision to move on to something else is a very difficult and very personal one. There are no right answers, but for us there were three important factors that moved us to donor eggs rather quickly:
1) The cost
2) Our quality of life
3) The most important deciding factor, my sister
In terms of the cost, plain and simple we couldn't afford to do five to ten rounds. It's hard to survive in IVF World with limited resources, but that's a reality for many people. So we had to look at what we could do. We knew if we did IVF with my limited egg count we would have a very low percentage chance with each try. And we knew that after three or four failed rounds with my eggs we wouldn't have the money to try anything else.
In terms of quality of life, I can just say it sucks. We both got into such a funk because living in IVF World is all consuming. Every thought, conversation, outing--every decision gets filtered through an IVF lens and it's flat out depressing. After being in this for three years we both felt enough was enough and we wanted the fastest way out with the least amount of compromise.
The last thing we got was an incredible gift from my younger sister. When she offered to donate her eggs the answer to what to do next became really clear. I don't know if I would have moved to an anonymous donor as quickly, but my sister is incredible and smart and mentally stable and we share much of our DNA. It became the clear choice. Though there was much struggle and processing that had to happen for me to really feel ok about giving up my biology, there is no question in my mind we are doing the right thing.
But making a decision is not easy, because you're making the best worst choice, meaning everything is going to be a compromise. But you have to chose something in order to move forward. I got lucky that I have a sister, and one that is sane and attractive and bright. I keep telling myself that whatever baby we have and however it comes to us it will be ours and it will be loved. The loss of my biology won't matter. But each step along the way requires honoring your gut feelings and letting go of any ideals. Ideally, we wouldn't be in this situation and our baby would be celebrating his 3rd birthday this month. Thing don't always go as planned.
So with acceptance and gratitude we move forward with out best choice. Wishing everyone strength in their decision making process and sending a reminder that the baby that is meant to be will be.
Comments