The other day I went to see a woman who does reiki. What would I call her, a reiki-ist? An energy healer? Not sure. I wasn't even sure what reiki was when I walked into Karen's space in the back of a hair salon in Los Felize http://www.reconnect2wellness.net/ but what I do know is that I walked in frazzled and angry that I'd just waited an hour to try to get blood tests done at Kaiser without success, and that I walked out of there feeling calm and grounded.
Karen works with a person's energy and uses crystals and oils to help bring balance to the whole being. It sounds like some crazy hippie stuff but it was actually a really nice experience, and she was a very sane and caring person. She started by telling me my energy seemed almost off my body, like floating above my body, which perhaps makes sense right now. My relationship with my body has been strained lately and perhaps I'm trying to energetically escape all that's being done to my body. As she placed crystals on my belly and used her breath and hands to move my energy around, she talked about being kinder to myself. She talked about the importance of letting go of the feeling that I've disappointed people, specifically men, in my life. She talked about reminding myself daily that I am loved and supported and safe.
I think I've done a good job of rationalizing and coming to terms with what we've had to endure so far and the sacrifices we will have to make in order to create our family. But I also feel like there is guilt and sadness and fear and frustration that still lingers in my heart and my body. Karen stressed that the messages I tell myself are important to pay attention to. She talked about the need for affirmations and being truly loving and accepting to myself and about finding ways to redefine our current experience and my definition of motherhood.
I'm not broken. I didn't drag my poor husband into this awful situation. I'm not disappointing my parents by not giving them grandchildren. I'm just dealing with the challenges of my life the best I can. I'm grateful for all my friends and family who have been able to support and love me through all this. I'm going to try and reframe my negative thoughts so that when I'm all worked up and in a Lupron induced rage, I will remind myself that I am loved and that I have a lot of love to give.
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