There is a Tom Waits song I really like. As with most Tom Waits songs, the lyrics are from another realm and are often useless to try to decipher. In that voice that is straight out of my childhood nightmares, I hear, "always keep a diamond in your mind / wherever you may wander, wherever you may roam / always keep a diamond in your mind." Since we did our embryo transfer (click here in case you need a refresher video), that line has been stuck in my head. The chance to have a baby, while risking multiples, has been the diamond in my mind, the beautiful goal. I've believed. I've been positive. I've hoped and prayed to any and all that will listen. This morning I arrived at work feeling confident that I'd get a call from a tearful wife saying that we were officially pregnant and one step closer to our family. Instead I got a call from a tearful wife. "It didn't work," was all she had to say.
For the rest of the day I was numb. Numb the way you feel after there's been a major catasptrophe or a death in the family. The volume was turned down on the rest of my day, replaced with nothing. I was numb while trying to do creative for a television show. I was numb in Los Angeles traffic. I was numb when I embraced Maya. I was numb during our drive back home, the only sound in the car coming from my sobbing wife; crying like she was trying to run out of tears. Two blocks from home, stopped at a light, I noticed a sticker on the car in front of me. "No Bad Days." Temporarily, numb was replaced with rage. Then back to numb.
For those of you that know me - if only through this - I am not the most emotional person. But today was different. Today I feel broken and I know I can't do that right now. One of my best friends from home told me today, "take care of yourself so you can take care of Maya." I'll process this later, I just want her to feel better now. Or at least not feel worse.
If there is a positive to be taken from this, it is that both Maya and I are becoming more comfortable talking about this process. We've had family and friends who have been critical of Maya opening up on a forum like this, but I know it has helped her. And whatever helps, is fine with me. And with this communication comes messages and tweets and texts and hugs. We sat in bed tonight marveling at how perfect strangers from around the world have been thinking of Maya today, praying for her, wishing her well. It made me cry. And my tears are normally only reserved for World Series victories.
So thank you to every reader and every comment on here. And thank you for thinking of my wife. She needs it. I hope we'll have good news to share in the future. And, if you've got the time, I recommend picking up that Tom Waits song.
Thank you both for this blog. I know we don't know each other, but thats one of the great things about the internet. Being able to read your story and relate to my own crazy journey of infertility enables us to create a sense of community. A community of people feeling the same joys and disappointments, the same highs and lows, unfortunately that the majority of others don't/won't have. My infertility issues are slightly different in that my husband has the HD gene and we cannot reproduce or else our child will have a 50/50 chance of carrying this disease as well, and the only way of truly stopping HD is to not reproduce (or spend a ton of money on IVF and PGD). But what matters most is our will and drive to become parents. I know it will happen, even if my children are not grown in my own belly, (which I want so so badly) we will be mothers and fathers. And as a friend told me last week, "You'll be great parents and your kids will always know that they were wanted and planned and prayed for!"
Posted by: Blake | August 28, 2013 at 08:51 AM
Thank you to you and Maya for sharing your journey. I can't imagine it to be the slightest bit easy, especially knowing first hand how much of a rollercoaster the infertility/ART journey can be.
When Maya posted her bfn post, I shared your disappointment and sadness even though I don't know you both personally (though reading the blog, I feel like I do!). I don't know if any of the words I write will make it any better, but I just wanted to say that I am thinking of you both. Maya AND you; because I know from the times me and my husband have suffered loss or just getting a bfn, how reassuring it is to just be there for one another. Even if you both cry and grief together, it makes it that little bit easier to pick up the pieces and get on with life and making a family.
Thank you for being there for your wife.
Posted by: Mie | August 28, 2013 at 03:33 AM