It's just not our time yet. He says.

The air in the house feels different. It's a lifeless quiet, yet our sadness feels heavy, like there's a third person following us around. Noah and I don't really know what to say to each other. I'm eager for a plan. He's eager for a break. So we talk about what to eat for dinner and predict what may happen next on Breaking Bad. We watch Giants highlights in bed and wish the team was playing better. We both go to work and it feels like our minds are in a fog. Nothing really matters.

He says it's just not our time yet. I guess. 

I think we're still in shock. 

I want answers. I want to know why and how this happened. I want to know what's wrong. I want to know when our time will finally come. I try to remember what life was life pre infertility and can't. What was my obsessive brain filled with back then?

One thing that's really keeping me going is all the support out there. Anyone with happy endings against all odds, finding that one good egg, please write in! Some of you have already and we appreciate it. It helps knowing anything is possible. 

Today between clients at work I'm going to research a shaman that comes recommended, a Mexican healer that is in town for only one week and already has a list of people lined up to see her, and countries we can escape to. Fleeing the country is all I can really think to do right now. But it's not going to happen this minute so instead I'll make a piece of toast and decide what shoes I'm going to wear today. Life goes on.

Comments

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Thanks for that reminder. We haven't really figured out what the next step is but adoption is an option for sure. I think I'm afraid of all that it entails and need to find the emotional energy before starting the process. But we have looked into it and found an agency we like out here so I guess that's a start. So glad to know you had a good experience.

[Ailvia]

After 2 failed ivf, I moved on to adoption. It was the best decision I EVER made. Expensive, but a guaranteed healthy baby- and my adopted child actually looks a lot like us! I hope you find peace.

[JVJK]

I unfortunately know exactly how you feel. My story is different but the results were the same for a very long time. I tried and tried for three long years and suffered heartache after heartache. After seven previous fertility treatments, two failed IVFs (first no fertilisation what so ever, second used ICSI) and one FET I started to wonder if I would ever see that elusive double stripe. I started practising the thought "screwed eggs", egg donation or adoption.

Then all of a sudden I met this guy. Oddly enough he and I managed what three years of pain didn't. I'm pregnant. And stunned.

I don't want to rub it in. I'm also not going to say "just keep trying". I just wanted to say that miracles actually can happen and I so hope you will get yours.

[Maritza]

I'm so sorry. There are no words, but I am sending you all my good vibes, and positive karma, and strong juju and anything else I can think of. Life goes on often without our plans or wishes in mind, but I believe what you say is true. Your babies are out there somewhere and every day brings you closer to them. So one day at a time, as they say. You can do this. Lots of hugs...

[Dina]

I failed my IVF too this week.

My eggs are crappy and I don't have so much money.

I understand how you and your husband feel. I feel the same.