Life after a BFN (Big Fat Negative)

Is hard. Is surreal. Is sad. Is confusing. Goes on.

Last night I woke up at 2am with an overwhelming sense that I needed to throw up. And I did.  I sobbed and barfed in the darkness and then woke up this morning and went to work. Well, went to the doctor first, but he had no real answers. Something is wrong with my eggs. Something didn't go well with my sister's eggs. Will this happen every time? Maybe. Can we each one day possibly have an egg that is good? Perhaps. Science is amazing and these doctors are amazing but they don't know everything. Sometimes things just fall apart and there is no explaination. 

What I do know it that I can't crumble. I'm the queen of the crumble and am really good at wallowing in my sadness for as long as I see fit. But I can't do that this time, because my husband needs me. He's the saddest I've every seen him--so sad he almost squeezed out a tear yesterday. My parents are heartbroken and now that this has become such a family affair we all need to take care of each other, not just them taking care of me. And my babies, wherever they are, who ever they, are need me to keep fighting to find them. So I will. I can be sad. I can cry. But I can't give up. We don't know what comes next but we will figure it out. We don't have many options or any money so that kind of narrows things down. 

I believe it isn't the things that happen in life that define a person, but how that person deals with those things. I so appreciate all the love and support from everyone out there in cyberspace who have commented and sent their love. While we may be strangers in the traditional sense of the word, we share the same longing and pain and perhaps even a similar experience. So that makes us family of sorts, or at least a community of fighters who will wrestle tigers and bears for our babies to be. I thank you so much for all the support and send it right back at all of you.

Comments

[WBC]

I wanted to tell you that your blog stands out as a favorite among the many that I've read for your openness, your commitment to advocacy, and your inspiring attitude.

I absolutely agree with you when you say, "I believe it isn't the things that happen in life that define a person, but how that person deals with those things." I think that baby or no baby, one of the hardest things for people is to come through this experience with their psyche intact. I remind myself daily that I have to guard it, and not let this hardship turn me into a permanently bitter and resentful person (even if some scarring is inevitable).

Your writings, even on the most defeating of days, emanate kindness and strength. I hope you hold onto that. I also hope you get that child that you- that all of us on IF island- want. I am rooting for you.

[A]

i came across your site randomly and have been following it since your situation (age/location/timing/low count of follicles/etc) was very strangely similar to ours and i never thanked you for writing down your thoughts and emotions that we felt too (and thank you noah for writing down what us guys are thinking too). our first ivf cycle failed b/c the eggs were genetically abnormal (we did PGD testing to find out). doctor was not sure why and put us in the unexplained infertility category. we had the same question you had that if we did it again, would the results be the same. he said no..each time is different and put us on a slower protocol (almost a month long of shots)...but our 2nd cycle (9 retrieved and only 3 were viable to be tested) we got a SINGLE good egg. i've been reading and following and just hoping that your situation would turn for the better.

not sure where i'm going with this..but that there is always the chance of a good egg and i hope you guys don't give up and that you have the support of people you've never met that pray for the best for you guys.

[Tanya]

Sending you hugs from someone who has been there.