Picking up the Pieces, again. #BFN

My Beta just came in. Negative. We can't say it was a lack of effort. We've did everything we could, coming up empty handed feels utterly unfair. But this really isn't about fair and unfair. I don't know what it's about. Timing? Luck? The Gods not being on my side? My karmic debt? My biology? My sister's biology? It is what it is. So now what? I can't even think. Maybe I'm in shock. I thought this was it. The ending of this chapter and the beginning of a new one. I am the fool once again.

While I don't know why this didn't work or what we are going to do next, I do know that I have one chance to live my life fully. There will be lots of sorrow and lots of happy moments. And that's what it is. Today and possibly for the rest of the week, month, maybe year, I will have to piece back together the pieces of my broken heart. But I have a heart and it's still beating so I have to do what I can to move forward. 

Thanks for all the support and love. Sorry to disappoint. 

Comments

[Taryn]

I am so sorry for you. I've been reading for a few months. We are rooting for you! You will get a baby, somehow, someway. I know it's hard to stay positive. Thinking of you!

[Hannah]

Oh Maya, my heart aches for you. I've been following your blog for a while after finding it on Hollywood Housewife. My husband and I are going through 3.5 years of infertility and I've been cheering you on as I've read along your journey. My heart hurts for you guys and I know the pain. It sucks. More than sucks. I'm praying for you and know my thoughts are with you guys.

[Sarah Smile]

Fuck, I am so, so sorry. I've been following your story and like the rest of these ladies, rooting for you and wish you the best in these tough times. And to echo others - you DID NOT disappoint anyone. Going through this journey myself I know there is the added pressure that we put on ourselves that we are going to disappoint our friends and loved ones that are supporting us through this process but I promise you that they don't feel that way. Take care of yourself and us out here in the interweb will be thinking of you.

[My New Normal]

I'm so sorry.

[chris]

oh shit...that's all that comes to mind. so much sad & disappointment wash away all that was hope. a million sorries cannot calm that torrent of pain you & noah must be feeling. again, thanks for your honest heart.

[Paige]

Virtual hugs! I am so sorry to hear this. I've been following your blog for a few months now and I was so excited you might have your prayers answered. Whatever decision you make about next steps, I'll be sending you baby dust!

[MWP]

I'm so sorry to hear this. I've been following your blog for a few weeks now, having started my first cycle of IVF a few days ago. I literally started tearing up when I read the title of this post. There's no explanation, nor should you try to find one. It is what it is. You and Noah seem to be such a strong couple and together you will get through this as well. Somehow. Thanks for sharing in an honest, funny, emotional and beautiful way. I'm inspired by you and please don't ever give up hope!

[Keiko Pogany]

no words, maya. just more love and positive energy your way. xo keiko

[KB]

You aren't disappointing ANYONE. You are giving so many of us such a gift in sharing your story. The hardest part of the IF journey is not knowing how long it is, or how it ends. It sucks. It's not fair. I mean, seriously, WTF, Universe? All I can say is I'm thinking of you and so grateful that you are sharing your story.

[Silvia]

I'm so sorry. It's so unfair. You did not dissapoint, it's just blind luck. Babies exist and you will get one.

Thinking of you.

[Suzette]

I'm so sorry to hear this. But I'm also sorry that you feel like you disappointed any of us - You did not disappoint. I am so touched by your honesty throughout this process and I just wanted to follow along as a kind of a cheerleader. Just someone out in cyberspace who is interested in your journey and who is hoping and praying for you...praying for extra love and peace for you and your hubby tonight.

[Courtney]

My heart is hurting for you and I don't even know you. I know that place. I remember that day. I ate a big juicy cheeseburger and ice cream and cried and that was all I could do. I will continue thinking of you & wish you all the best with your journey!