My Aunt Flow came to town this morning and the reality of what just happened has set in. I'm trying to convince myself that I'm a detective, trying to solve the mystery of who my baby will be. But it's starting to feel like I'm just a crappy detective who's always 10 minutes late to a crime scene, looking around going, "What the heck just happened?"
When I'm in an IVF cycle it feels hopeful and purposeful. It's terrible, no doubt, but I do what I'm told. Shots and appointments and medication and bed rest--whatever I am told because that's what's supposed to make this work for us. After the follow up doctors appointment when there is a failure I just feel like I'm floundering. We don't yet have the emotional health to go back to our "list of options" because the fact that we are going to have to choose between two Plan D's and one possible Plan F is really upsetting.
The outside world starts to creep in and I don't want to be around anyone, yet I don't want to be alone. I often come back to the writings of Buddhist Nun Pema Chodron when I feel that way. There's a passage in her book, When Things Fall Apart, that I read over a few times last night:
"Things falling apart is a kind of testing and also a kind of healing. We think that the point is to pass the test or overcome the problem, but the truth is that things don't really get solved. They come together and they fall apart. Then they come together again and they fall apart. It's just like that. The healing comes from letting there be room for all of this to happen: room for grief, for relief, for misery, for joy."
I know that nothing stays the same forever and that I can be sad for as long as I need, but that we will move on. I've been reading all of the comments and feel so grateful to have this online community and to hear stories of people finding their ONE GOOD EGG. I also feel the heartbreak of that first failed IVF cycle that some of you write about--it's the worst because that first time you really feel like there's no way it could fail. You pay all this money and go through all this pain and you think this is the solution. It's all terrible.
Yesterday I consulted with another doctor I saw for insemination a while back. I called him to tell him what had happened and to ask his advice on a few things. He said something like, "Infertility is a war you have to fight over and over. It's a battle and you have to be a warrior because you will win. In some way, you will win." I'm making him sound more poetic than he is but that was the gist. We are warriors. And every day we go to battle when we face the world, when we make the best decision out of a handful of crappy choices, when we accept our path and draw lessons from our experiences, when we love our significant others from the deepest and most honorable places of our hearts, and when we never stop playing detective in the search for our family.
I had the experience but my world ended on 08 07 13 with no pregnancy after first IVF cycle. I was numb, filled with rage and resentment. I am now starting second cycle and I am a mess. I can't sleep, I can't eat, all I want to do are self-destructive things and I am still filled with rage and resentment. I just want a little one to love and care for.
Hang in there knowing others are going through similar struggles.
Posted by: Christiana | October 01, 2013 at 01:46 PM
Wow. What a journey you are on. You are quite the warrior! Have you checked out www.globalivf.com? I met the women who started this site at a convention and they go around the world looking for good agencies that help with egg donation and surrogacy and things. They may be a good resource. Please keep me posted and I wish you the very best.
Posted by: Don't Count Your Eggs | August 30, 2013 at 12:16 PM
I write in Swedish. I live in Stockholm in Sweden.
Since it isn't allowed in Sweden to get help when you are single I have to go to another country. I going to Denmark right now but eggdonation isn't allowed for single people in Denmark. So if I can get another loan maybe I'll go to Latvia to get help there with eggdonation.
Posted by: Dina | August 30, 2013 at 12:09 PM
Thank you Dina. I'm just curious, what language are you writing in and where are you living? I wish for the perfect embryo for you too. Like my husband says, always keep that diamond in your mind. We never know what path may lead us to our baby so we just have to keep on the path. Much love to you.
Posted by: Don't Count Your Eggs | August 30, 2013 at 10:55 AM
You are writing so good. You are saying all the things I feel. I wrote your blogaddress in my blog so that others could read your blog. But my blog is in another language so you can't read it but my readers can English.
I'm single so I use spermdonators and my eggs. The spermdonators have been successful with other women so I know it is my eggs who are crappy.
I've done two IVF.
I wish you the best of luck. Somewhere and someday there will be perfect embryo for you.
Posted by: Dina | August 30, 2013 at 10:18 AM