Well, Aunt Flow arrived. On the early side. Which is fine I guess. If she's gonna come to town, might as well just get the visit over with. I'm headed back to the doc at 10:30am and will find out the plan. I've never done a FET and have no idea what the protocol is but I'm sure it will both take what will feel like an eternity (like another month) and put me back into Hormone Heaven (I assume estrogen and progesterone 3x a day and omnitrope. I wonder if omnitrope is FDA approved yet? I also wonder if that's the human growth hormone A-Rod was taking. Ugh). Glorious.
The break from hormones has been good, I can't say that I'm excited to get back on them. But I guess this is our last hurrah. The final lap of the race before this chapter is officially over. I keep a picture of the Lone Ranger by the bed and look at it every night as I'm falling asleep. I wonder if that's our baby. The little fighter. I suppose I have to believe in it whole heartedly, even though that makes the disappointment fall that much harder.
It sucks to wake up feeling exhausted. But I do. It's a melancholy kind of fatigue if that makes sense. Like my breath just feels heavy in my chest and takes more energy to move it in and out of my body. This has to end soon, this exile on Infertility Island. It has to. I'm not going to grow old here. I'm not looking into retirement property. I feel like I've already over stayed my welcome. I have to remind myself that we will find an ending. This plot will resolve. I'm trying to stay open minded and flexible and positive, though if anyone tells me it's "exciting" that we are doing a FET I'm going to punch them in the face. Which isn't exactly open minded and flexible or very positive. I just hate when non IF Island residents use the term "exciting" to describe anything we here on IF Alcatraz have to do.
I guess I'll shower, get myself together and dig out my left over meds. I'll remind myself over and over I won't be doing this forever.
You are spot on. You wonder what went wrong or what did I do wrong. One foot in front of the other I suppose. You put a smile on my face, Maya :) Thank you!
Posted by: Heather | September 24, 2013 at 07:50 PM
Ugh. Heather. I'm so sorry. It's the worst. It really is. We think that because we are going through this terrible process and doing everything the doctors say it just HAS to work, so getting disappointing news can be shocking on top of complete heartbreak. I hope you find ways to take care of yourself. I'm sending you lots of love and support.
Posted by: Don't Count Your Eggs | September 24, 2013 at 08:33 AM
Just found out today that our first IVF cycle didn't work. I appreciate your words on an especially difficult day.
Posted by: Heather | September 23, 2013 at 08:41 PM