It's been exactly a week since we got our bad news. The slow motion daze we've been living in has begun to lift and we had a long three day weekend to just be together. We tried a few things to help us move on.
We tried talking about it. About what happened, about what to do next, about money, about feelings. We tried. But we found we didn't have anything to say that hadn't already been said and we aren't yet ready to map out a game plan.
We tried avoiding it. We went to the movies, we watched TV, we read.
We spent some time with friends who get us. We made pizzas and talked about traveling, and for an evening we were normal again.
Then yesterday we tried a Shaman. I'm not one for mystics and voodoo and tarot cards, but this woman came highly recommended by a trusted friend and she doesn't claim to cure illness or disease, but provides some healing through ancient techniques and with the help of the spirits. I can't get into the meanings and the history behind shamanism, because I don't know it. But I can share the experience. I was looking for a way to let go of all that had happened, with this last cycle and with the last several years of living in this obsessive baby-making world. I needed a way to feel less angry and sad and resentful and confused. I couldn't talk about it anymore. I'm a psychotherapist and value talk therapy, but sometimes it's not what you need. Sometimes we need some kind of ritual or movement or energy--something that doesn't start with sobs and the phrase, "I just can't believe this happened..."
So Noah and I went to this woman's house up in the hills. We talked about our family history, how we met, where we were at in our quest for a family, and we talked about what we really wanted in our lives. Then I laid down on her little couch and she covered my eyes with an eye pillow and started to shake rattles and chant and stomp and make bird call sounds and blow on me and brush a feather over me. It sounds crazy but there was something magical about the experience. There was definitely something magical about her--like she was tapped into some ancient native american spirits. This went on for some time and I just tried to be totally open. Maybe I've become crazy and desperate, maybe I've become willing to try anything, maybe there is some spiritual powers that a few people have access to. I don't care. When she blew over my heart I felt it open and soften and that's what I needed.
She told us a few things to do and told me that the spirits said I didn't do anything wrong. She repeated that several times and for the first time I believed it. I didn't do anything wrong. I've felt guilt about my body not working right and I know I've held onto this feeling that I have somehow failed. Even using the phrase "we failed our IVF" reiterates this feelings. We didn't fail IVF, IVF failed us. But really, it just didn't work and that's that.
I don't know what to make of our experience with this shaman, but I do feel a little lighter. I don't know why it's so hard for us to make a family, but I do know that we will find a way. Building a family is no longer about anything but determination and willpower (and I guess money, but I'm trying not to think about that part). Determination, willpower and perhaps an open heart.