The Lone Ranger

    Our weekend in the sunshine was good. Noah and I got a little color in our cheeks and we were able to just relax and not think about anything. But now we are home, which means the thinking and planning and obsessing have started up again.  Not totally true. Somewhat true. We just knew that when we got back we would have to agree on the next step. And we have. 

    So we have one embryo popsicle that the Doc froze on Day 6. It took a bit of an atypical developmental trajectory in that it was a 4 cell B quality embryo on Day 2 and then an 8 cell B quality on Day 3, then it looked fragmented on Day 5, when normally it should have been a blastocyst.  When I emailed the Doc on Day 5 asking about the two embryos we had left, he wrote back that unfortunately neither had made good progress. But on Day 6,  he called, surprised and excited. He said that the one embryo that was fragmented had actually made it to blast and looked good. He said the embryologist was freezing it, and I hesitated.

            “But what about how it started kind of weird, what does that mean,” I asked, knowing the freezing cost for a wonky embryo could be upwards of a thousand dollars.

            “There could be abnormality. I would want to test it, but it could be your miracle baby. We can’t throw it away,” he said.

            At that point we had just put the three good embryos in, so I felt like we didn’t really need one funky one in the freezer, but agreed to go with it. We were so far in the hole I figured we’d deal with it later.

            And then later came.

            The Doc thinks we should put it in. He won't bother testing it beforehand, but if the implantation is successful, I will need to have an amniocentesis, and be prepared for a hard decision if the test suggests abnormality.  I will have to be comfortable with the uncertainty of that.

            But what are we really certain of? Nothing, except that one day we are all going to die.  But while we are alive, we have to live life to the fullest, and that involves sometimes making hard choices. Over the past few weeks I have consulted with various doctors and other people on different message boards and have found that there doesn't necessarily mean anything is wrong with the embryo. It may just have a decreased chance of becoming a baby. Or it may move at its own sweet pace, like its dad and its auntie. Huhhhh....

    Noah and I think giving this surviving embryo a chance  is the best choice. It gives a us another month to grieve and plan other options while having a little bit of hope.  Just a little.  The Lone Ranger rides again! Here he/she is (though I hope it's not both!). Ain't it pretty?

Comments

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Thanks so much! It is heavy and painful but what else can we do but laugh at the ridiculousness sometimes. Sometimes. Other times it is just not funny. Sorry you're going through this too. M

[torontosc2013@gmail.com]

Thank you Maya for your bravery in telling your story in which I unfortunately can relate. I just stumbled upon your blog and you have this talent of taking such a heavy, painful experience and injecting some humor.

I would love to connect with you offline if that is something you would like to do I'm at torontosc2013@gmail.com

Great decision on Lone Ranger!