The weekend away was fun, and oddly everything back home is exactly the way we left it. Sometimes that's okay. I'm never delusional and think that going out of town for a few days will resolve our fertility issues, but it always feels like we were able to get a little space from it all. But wait, how amazing would that be? We go on a road trip and come back to find a baby on our doorstep!
Hmmmm.
I've been reading the comments posted and thank people so much for sharing and connecting on this blog. My heart breaks for everyone going through this, but what I find the most interesting or...note worthy right now, is how we are all in so many different places. Different stages of the IVF cycle, different emotional places, different places in our ultimate quest. What's beautiful about that is the constant reminder that things are constantly changing. It's about learning to sit in something terrible and uncomfortable knowing that it's not going to be this way forever. My yoga teacher often says things like that when she is holding us in an excruciating pose for a long time. But she's right. We can lean into the pain and sad and angry when we need to, because it's there, and then we can slowly move towards something else. We know we won't die, it's all just going to sting pretty bad for a while. And then there will be lighter moments, or moments of relief.
As baffled as I am that after years of treatment and misdiagnoses and procedures and money loss and an egg donor and again disappointment...that I'm still in the same friggin' place, I know I'm not the same person. I'm a better person. A more patient person. A person who knows how to fight for what she wants. A person who will not take no for an answer. A person who believes that however dark a situation feels, there is some tiny speck of light. If not for ourselves, then for our babies who will find us some how, some way.
For all of us wanting and waiting, I hope that time comes soon.
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