On Saturday we interviewed an amazing couple who were flying out that same day to meet their birth mom. After years of TTC, almost double digit IVF attempts, getting donor eggs, and multiple miscarriages and surgeries they decided to adopt. They were on a wait list for 12 days--let me repeat that, 12 days, before they found their match. Their baby is due in February.
The couple had been through a LOT, but their bond was tight. You could see it. Living on IF Island with your significant other is an experience that often solidifies a relationship, because the two of you have been to battle, and survived. This couple has survived, and they were giddy with excitement and nerves about their next step, but they also reiterated that adoption is not a cure for infertility. Adoption will get you a baby, but it is not the cure.
I asked them both if they had any regrets. The dad-to-be said no. He talked about having to go through everything and try everything so you'd never wonder 'what-if,' so you'd always know you did everything you could. I think Noah would 100% agree with that. The mom-to-be said she did have regrets. She regretted one of the surgeries she had and she said she regretted the miscarriages, as if they were somehow her fault. They absolutely weren't, but I knew what she meant. Sometimes the pain of the experience changes you in a way that you regret, and so much of you wishes certain things never happened.
I listened and we talked about all they'd been through and part of me started to wish that I had a birth mom. If we started adopting when we started all this medical madness, I'd most likely have a kid by now. In my heart I know we had to go through what we've gone through, because we had to try. There was no way of knowing how things would have turned out and at any moment in our journey our luck could have been different.
So I can't regret. I can wonder. I can remind myself we did what we did because that was the best choice in the moment. I can kind of regret that laparoscopy, because it was stupid and pointless and painful, but what's the point. I did it, I survived it, I've moved on.
I think it's important that with all the fear and confusion and sadness and frustration and guilt we on IF Island feel we try not to add regret to the list. It's often hard not to but perhaps just looking forward at all times is what we need to remind ourselves to do. We can't over think, we can't take the blame--we can only do the best we can do.
Today we had an early morning appointment and everything looked good. So I'll shoot myself up with human growth hormone for a few days and we'll look ahead to Saturday.
Adoption is a wonderful option if the goal is to become parents. Biology is interesting and cool yes, but it's not what makes a family. Day in and day out what's important is the love you have for your child and the love your child will have for you, biology has nothing to do with that.
Posted by: S | October 21, 2013 at 10:39 AM