We saw the Doc early this morning and he said that the Ganirelix worked to prevent ovulation and that I needed to be on it for another two days (I'm pretty sure it's a scheduling thing for the embryologist but whatever, going with the flow here, look at me Miss Flexibility). My lining looked good soo...that's it.
When we got back into the car I felt nervous. "Did he seem confident to you, Noah? He seemed kind of whatever to me..." I started in. Noah is so done with me, poor guy. We were supposed to go to a rock show tonight but I told him to go with one of his buddies instead, he needs a break.
"He seemed like a doctor who is implementing a protocol that is going according to his plan," Noah responded, all annoyed. I don't blame him. Though I'm sensitive and unsure and jacked up on estrogen, I'm also totally annoying.
"I wanted the doc to talk a little more about feelings! Like did he have a good feeling about this...does he think it's..."
"STOP!" Noah is SO done talking about feelings. And the doctor? Yeah, right. I've lost my mind.
I smiled. Laughed a little. "JK. JK. I just didn't like how he said it isn't usual to do an FET this way, with all the meds." The doctor said he usually does a more natural cycle, but since my body doesn't listen to anything he says and doesn't respond right to any medication, and we had to work around the embryologist's schedule, this is just what it is. It's totally manipulated. Does that give me less of a chance? It seemed like the answer is no. All of this is manipulated anyways, I just have to have more shots and more meds which doesn't feel good.
"He's had to do everything different with us," Noah said. And then we were quiet. He was focusing on the road and I was focusing on the worried thoughts running laps in my skull.
"Just let it go. We're in it. This is it. We do the shots. We see him next Monday. We put the Lone Ranger in when he says, and that's that," Noah said. Always my rock, my voice of reason.
So I guess I'll shut my brain off now. Nothing else to think about. It's auto pilot from here on out.
KB--what would your mom say about knuckles so white they are transparent? JK JK. I hear ya. I think we are very similar indeed. If there is one life lesson IF teaches you it's that you have NO CONTROL in this world and can only do what you can in each given moment. How humbling...and frustrating! I don't think there is any way to truly "let go" or "go with the flow." There's too much at stake. But whatever is going to happen is going to happen, right? I'm now obsessed with the idea that our Lone Ranger may not even thaw out. But how does it serve me to think about the "what if" right now? It doesn't. It will thaw or it won't. It will take or it won't, and that's it. Keep focused on what we have left--legs, credit cards, good sperm, three drops of sanity...all good things. Jody--you and are I on the same train sister! Choo Choo! We have our dates with destiny just over a week apart and now all we have to do is show up. I've been drinking red raspberry leaf tea lately because I read somewhere it is good for the uterus. Who knows. Thinking about both of you and hoping for good things! Keep me posted!
Posted by: Don't Count Your Eggs | October 18, 2013 at 12:13 PM
I can so relate. We JUST started our first IVF round (likely to be frozen). In addition to actually looking FORWARD to the injections (what?! I know- I just like that it's something I finally get to DO towards trying to get pregnant, and don't get me wrong, I don't mean EXCITED to do them- I'm still shaky every time) I am supplementing my lack of control over how it turns out by analyzing the 'what ifs?' of EVERYTHING ELSE. My husband interrupted me mid-spin last night to finally just say "STOP. You have to stop. You are worrying yourself just to worry about something, and you have to let go!" And he's SO right. My mom has a great saying that she never intended to apply to infertility (ha) but it really helps me: "Stop white-knuckling it" through things. Which is such a great visual. The harder I grip onto something, the harder I tense up and just figure I'll hold it like that until everything is suddenly ok? The harder I'm making it, period. It doesn't help. And I'm telling you I do not follow that advice very well, but visualizing through the fact that white-knuckling it isn't in any way contributing to the outcome either way? Has helped me from time to time. I am so with you. And you are being so strong. Nothing ever stays the same, even our stay on IF island- that is the one thing we can count on. Sorry for rambling- I'm just really with you and sending so many positive vibes your way.
Posted by: KB | October 17, 2013 at 02:06 PM
I am with you! Found out our last ones are going in on Nov. 6...
(Now I just need to stop overanalyzing everything - HA!)
Posted by: Jody | October 17, 2013 at 10:54 AM