The stars must align I suppose

Thanks for all the comments about your experiences with the absolute exactness of all this madness. It's a friggin' miracle anyone is ever born! It's so hard when people not on Infertility Island have this delusional understanding of IVF and think that you just go to the doctor, pay some money and they put a baby in you. I remember when I first told people we were doing IVF and the overwhelming response was, "That's so exciting!" As if it was just going to work now. We are coming up on our year anniversary of our first unsuccessful cycle, and that time doesn't include all the months spent trying and trying to just start IVF. 

One thing you aren't told when you first get your passport stamped at the dreary border of IF Island and My Old Life County is that so many things in your body have to align just right every step of the way. Cancelled IVF cycles are more common than successful ones, and things you never thought could go wrong often do. I've had cysts, runaway follicles, follicle counts that were too low, follicles that were too big, too small, too stubborn. When I would finally get a green light that my follicles seemed in order it felt like winning the lottery! And yet that was just step one. When the same thing happened to my sister when she donated I was absolutely stunned.

Reading all your stories makes me feel like we are all getting repeatedly crapped on. You think you'll be doing an IVF cycle in October so that by the Holidays you'll be able to finally smile again and start the new year with genuine excitement, but instead you'll be having some kind of surgery to remove something, or you'll be waiting to do a transfer because your doc is out of town, or you'll be back on meds. You may have to cancel travel plans...who knows. Everything is always up in the air. Perhaps we are all learning the true meaning of flexibility and patience. I'm over it. 

Last year at this time we were gearing up to inject insane amounts of post menopausal nuns pee into my belly. We spent Thanksgiving in tears in a hotel room eating overpriced slabs of rubbery turkey, and the Holidays trying to recover from the experience. On New Years Eve we decided that 2013 was going to be a better year. THE year for us. Now we may be making that same pledge for 2014. Wow. I don't know whether to laugh or cry or bash my head through the wall.

But one thing I can say is that we have learned a lot, and that when our baby finally comes we will understand the amazing miracle it is to be alive. I will know that each cell in my body, in my sister's body, in my husband's body all had to be exactly in the right place at the right time. I will hopefully know that the embryologist had to thaw our Lone Ranger at the exact right temperature and speed, and that if she sneezed or blinked things may not have the same outcome. This is all with the assumption that the Lone Ranger is a go.  

That's what I have to have right now I guess.  Positive assumptions. A belief that one day, some way, the stars will align for us and a human being will come together and be just right. Not too big or too small, just right. And then I'll think this was all somehow worth it.

Until then I wait. I shrug at the disbelief that I'm still learning about things that can go wrong (how could the birth control just not work?) I wonder if I will ovulate early or if I will make it to the 18th and we will be a go. And I cultivate a patience and an appreciation that will one day help me when my kid has pooped all over the walls at 3am or has drawn on the couch in Sharpie.

Comments

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Wow Mag. Thanks for sharing. The body does change and I guess so does luck or timing or whatever. It helps to hear stories like this and though it's hard to believe something like that would ever happen to me, most people I talk to feel exactly the same way, and then it happens! Have to keep believing.

[Mag]

I came across your site today, and I just wanted to share my experience and give some hope. Since 2008, I had several rounds of IUIs on clomid which didn't work and then I moved on to IVF. I had stage 4 endometriosis and so I thought the best route for me was IVF. I had 3 rounds of fresh IVF cycles and all failed. I was a poor responder to medications. I was devastated and my doctor gave up and said that I was really a challenging case and there was little that he could do at that point. I was emotionally and financially drained. I asked him to do a lap for me because each month, I had painful periods as a result of endo. After the lap, I decided to move on with my life, and focus on other things. But lo and behold, I managed to conceive naturally twice. My son will be 4 and my daughter is 2. So, please stay strong, and remember that sometimes even if IVF fails, miracles do happen. Wishing all the very best.

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Hi Laura! Welcome! Sorry you can relate so well with my story, but know you're never alone. I gratefully accept your cyber hug and wish you all the best with your first IVF! Stay positive for sure, there's no reason for anything else. Best of luck!

[Laura]

Just discovered your website today. Thank you for documenting your experiences. Reading your blog has helped normalize so many of the feelings I've experienced over the past two years. Infertility freaking sucks. All the waiting, hoping, and repeated let downs are so depressing and tiring. I'm really sorry about all you have been through. Watching all your videos makes me wish I could reach out and give you a hug. I'm half way through my first IVF cycle and trying to stay positive. Stay strong and I will do the same.