The Waiting Game

It's obvious that this whole process is terrible.  The shots are painful, the repeated hope-heartbreak cycle is abusive, the hormones are crazy making, but one thing that people don't always factor in is the awfulness that is the waiting between cycles or procedures. Sure, it's a time of healing. Of picking yourself up off the floor, again. Of finding an inner strength you never knew you had. But it sucks. Life is kind of back to normal only there is some carrot looming out in space that makes you hopeful and scared and angry. 

Being in this for as long as I have and going through one IVF, two IUI's and another IVF with my sister's huevos, I know the waiting game well.  Not to mention the months of waiting for my period/ovulation each month when we tried for over a year naturally, or the months when I was out of my mind on clomid...waiting to see if it worked. Or waiting to heal up after my laparoscopy, and of course waiting to actually start IVF since my follicle count was often too low or I had cysts. Honestly, I don't know how I'm still standing.  

The wait--for whatever it is your waiting for--can be absolute torture. A time to obsess and recount all that hasn't gone well. It can be a really lonely time, as people are often super supportive when you're in a process, or when something hasn't worked out, but the wait after is boring. Feelings are perhaps less intense and there's nothing really to say so everyone moves on. But there you are. Waiting. Wishing there was some way to be proactive...waiting.

I'm trying to turn this waiting period into something else, but I'm not totally sure what. I've been trying to get my body back to being healthy, since the waiting time usually involves me gorging on whatever I want because I'm pissed off and feel like I deserve it.  I do, but I feel like crap. I'm trying to reframe the concept of waiting for the next procedure as just living my life. I try to remind myself that I can't live in a past world of regret or disappointment, or in a future world of anticipation.  I just have today. How can I make it the best possible? How can I breath into the subtle gray cloud that sits low and heavy over my head at all times, and just accept that it's there and make the best out of what I can? Being in any part of the infertility world usually means there is a little gray cloud lurking somewhere. Rather than fight it or deny it or totally embrace it so that it grows into a a dense rain cloud, I just notice its existence and find gaps in it where the sun shines through. It feels better to focus on the space between. That's what waiting can be. A little space between.

I can't believe the week is almost over. Tonight I take the last of my 10 days of birth control. That felt like it went really fast. Time does go fast. It doesn't always feel that way but it does. So I remind myself to enjoy the time I do have and the quiet in my house and the uninterrupted sleep I have now, because it won't be like this forever. The wait will someday, hopefully soon, be over. 

Comments

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Thanks Leia! I love that saying. I feel like I've been dancing in the rain so long my fingers and toes are all pruned, but at least I'm still dancing. Or at least standing. Or at least kind of upright. Sorry your BFP was a BF tease. That's awful. I've never gotten that far, but with each hurdle I guess we know something is possible. Good luck at the WTF post cycle meeting. I hate that. I'm always so angry and hysterical but then nod and agree with whatever the doctor says even if I don't understand because I'm just beat down and confused. At the end of the day there is just simply a lot of luck involved, so I wish you all the luck in the world and a little sunshine.

[leia88]

I agree. The wait is the worst part. We have been through a couple of years of natural TTC, 3 IUIs and most recently, IVF, which after resulting in a brief and glorious BFP disintegrated into a chemical pregnancy. Now we wait...for my beta to decrease, for our WTF appointment with RE, for our next cycle to begin (which will have to start at square one since we had no frosties).
Your description of the 'little gray cloud' captures the way I think we all feel about IF. It also reminds me of one of my favourite life quotes: Life is not about learning to weather the storm, but rather learning how to dance in the rain.
I wish you all the best and hope this next cycle is THE one for you. I have been reading your blog since we started IVF last month.