Finding your happy

I had coffee (the real kind) with a friend the other day. She went through many years of fertility treatments and after 6 rounds of IVF decided to call it, so she knows and understands the deal with IF. She asked me how long we were willing to do this? How long were we willing to live on IF Island?

My answer was, as long as it takes to get a baby. 

Her next question was are we happy?

I paused. I didn't really know how to answer that. Our baseline of feeling content and fulfilled with our lives has slowly shifted to a point where happiness is being told I have enough follicles to start injecting hormones into my stomach. Happiness is the last day of shots or the first day after a successful transfer. Happiness is when I wake up and don't feel like crying because I've spent the last three years in this nightmare. 

Are we happy?

That's a questions a lot of couple have to ask themselves. Some people look at their current quality of life and the strain infertility takes on their body, mind, relationship, bank account, and lifestyle, and decide it isn't work it to keep pushing. That is totally fair and legitimate. It's something Noah and I have talked about--the potential of living child-free. Other couples white knuckle through it. They know it's going to be rough so they board up the windows and the doors and hang onto each other through the storm. It's all a very personal choice.

Noah and I have decided it's not time yet for us to step away. I feel like we've been waiting in line for a cronut for three days, we can't turn away now. But that's not the only reason to keep at it. We want a baby. We want a family. And at this point I still feel like we have the energy to keep at it. Ask me this question in a year and I might say something different.  Actually, if you ask me this question in a year I might not say anything because I'll probably be in a mental institution somewhere. Ugh.

But then we come back to are we happy?

Sometimes happiness is easy. When life circumstances align in such a way so that a person feels fulfilled in their job and relationship and family, it is easy to feel happy.  Having basic needs met, some friends to connect with, good food, a vacation planned, and maybe a stunning new pair of boots--can make a person feel pretty content. But sometimes even with all those things people aren't happy with themselves or what they have or their lives.

Perhaps happiness really is a state of mind.

Sometimes happiness is more of a challenge. When life circumstances keep handing you hard, dry lemons, it's hard to keep trying to squeeze out some lemonade. So you have to work at it. Happiness becomes more of a choice, perhaps, because there are less obvious reasons to be happy. Sometimes the lemons are sooo sour you've really got to dig deep to find a little sweetness. 

So are we happy?

I think we're learning to be.  We're learning to find happiness deep within ourselves and within our relationship. We are learning to appreciate the little things. We are learning to fully enjoy certain things we perhaps took for granted before. We have moments of laughter and we have good food and good family. There's no jumping for joy going on right now, but there are moments of happy. 

I've had to make a conscious decision to be happy, or at least work towards happy. I've had to count the good things in my life daily and remind myself that the crappy things are temporary. It's basically a full time job, but it's an important one. Maybe the most important one. 

Sending every one out there a little happy today. 

 

Comments

[Brit]

Great post....when I think back to when we were still going through our journey (and we as well thought we would try until it finally worked - and it did after 6 cycles of IVF / FET) I would best describe our life as being "on hold". I don't think we were unhappy, but I wouldn't say we were happy either. Everything just depending on what was next, where do we go from here, would our numbers rise, when did I have to go back in again, etc. It is hard to be happy when your life is revolving around something completely out of your hands, around the next shot, the next doctor's visit......

But I can say that after round 5 (miscarriage number 3) that we may have given up if we didn't have left over embryos. Thank goodmess we didn't, we went on to have two healthy pregnancies on round 6 and round 7!!! I am still amazed by our own story.....if it can happen for us it can happen for anyone. If you would like to hear more about my story you can visit my blog at www.ivfsuccessstories.info

Good luck to everyone still trying!

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Thanks y'all!
Istyle--there is def no infertility in the after life! There, I said it. Only puppies and babies and ice cream for us!
Amy-- I love that quote! It is a good reminder. We've got to do the best we can with what we're given. My two rusty ovaries may not be giving much but maybe they will one day, or maybe I have to function on my seemingly functional uterus. Always trying to make the best out of things, even when things seem like crap, right?
KB--I heart your comments! Normal for now fo sho. Every day it's a little different and this won't be forever. One day I'll be fifty and will be able to look back at this time and...oh I just got depressed. JK.
Much gratitude for you all and thanks for staying tuned!

[Istylemboston]

What a wonderful post! I always enjoy your post because in some way or another they always relate to us in the if world. Most people will never experience this world that we live in, I'm glad they won't. Sometimes I'd rather refer to it as this hell we live in on earth. Hopefully if there is an afterlife infertility won't exist. Honestly we have a few happy moments but automatically before the day end the mind is back on the same path. I think this worry is different than once you are pregnant. Once you are pregnant you have a chance, it can go either way. Never getting that chance is what scares the hell out of most of us.I pray for you and your family that soon the day of true happiness will arrive for you.

[Amy]

Really enjoy your posts. Part of me can't believe that I am about to quote a basketball coach but he is one of the best and my husband would be so proud! It is also what I've been reminding myself "Things turn out best for the people who make the best of the way things turn out." Some days it feels harder than others but given the degree of flux in life, I think it's a good reminder.

[KB]

What a GREAT reminder. I often find myself thinking that "once we get through this, THEN we can finally relax..." and then a friend reminded me that once you're pregnant, you worry about THAT going well- then the baby is born, and forget it. Worry all the time! I think it's really easy for us IF-ers to attach ALL of our happiness to this one outcome- because it truly does take over every aspect OF life. I check back on your blog every single day because you are being so much stronger than I ever feel like I can be- it's very inspirational, but I know that you are hurting so damn much and you should know you have a lot of us out here rooting for you and your family that will SURELY be. This will not be forever- this is your "normal-for-now" and the universe is just working on your new normal a bit longer before delivering it to you. Who knows what is happening with the energy of everything- even when it feels like nothing is happening, things are lining up for change, and I can promise you things never stay like this forever.