More than IF

A while back I received a really nice comment on the blog from someone about being more than an infertile woman, and it got me thinking about how much infertility takes on its own un welcomed identity, and how hard that can be around the holiday time when we will most likely be interacting with people we haven't seen in a while.

Noah and I are headed up North to spend time with his family and friends back home and I started dreading the thought of being asked, "what have you guys been up to," or "how have things been going." Let's see... If I honestly answered that question I would be met with dumbfounded stares. I would come off as crazy and angry and bitter, or I would be pitied. My other choice is to be vague, "well, we've had kind of a rough... Two years, but we're doing alright..." I guess that's true. It just doesn't do any of our experiences justice.

Noah and I are comfortable in our comfort zone. We feel ok with our immediate friends and family who now speak and understand IF jargon and who can understand that this... Situation, has completely taken over much of our lives. But people we haven't seen or who we only see once a year don't know that, so I have have to give them the benefit of the doubt. It's a fine balance between being true to myself and not having a totally awkward conversation over stuffing and sweet potatoes.

So much of who I am and what I've been doing revolves around infertility issues. This is not something I chose to become an expert in, it just kind of happened. In fact, we are meeting with a fertility clinic up there the day before Thanksgiving to see a lady about eggs. There is no escape that this is the most pressing issue on my to do list: figure out how to have a family.

But I have to remind myself that I'm more than IF. I had things to say and contribute before IF hijacked my life. I can ask about other people and remind myself that not everyone is going to understand or care about our struggles to conceive. And that's ok. I have to find a way to be okay that every one of Noah's friends up home have new babies and that too is ok (kind of). It just sucks to feel so isolated.

I think it's important to be honest and to take care of ourselves over the holidays. It can be a sensitive time for sure, because people will ask how we've been and people won't always understand the intensity of what our lives have become. People may also not agree with what we've been doing to try and make a baby. Hmmmm....I hadn't really thought of that one, but I know several people whose family and friends are ethically opposed to IVF. I couldn't imagine having to face that!

It's hard to leave the "safe zone" of our home, but I think it will be good. We're both looking forward to being away and spending time with Noah's peeps. I have to constantly remind myself that I'm more than my infertility, and that this doesn't define me. That it may be on the forefront of our lives right now, but it won't be this way forever.

Comments

[Sylvia]

I was just debating if I felt like decorating...I kinda skipped on Halloween and Thanksgiving...I just was not feeling it this year... Xmas is no different. For me it marks when my husband and I decided to start trying...he gave me a copy of what to expect, and now it sits in a drawer along with some maternity clothes I bought on clearance around the same time. So much time has passed since then...part of me wants to throw the clothes and book away and a part of me doesn't cause I don't want to give up...this year is gonna be a rough one...need to get through it and gear up for IVF #2 in 1/2014. Good luck ladies

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Good luck gals! I hope you both have a wonderful holiday. When in doubt, stuff your face. That will be my motto.

[Courtney]

Ugh, this is so true. This has been my biggest struggle though 6 years of infertility. I don't know how to shake that infertility is a part of me now. I have isolated for so long. I have pushed away from so many people & functions that I don't know how to get back in it. I have really decided to try & enjoy the holidays this year. We can do this! Keep smiling! Happy Holidays to you!

[KB]

I hear you. The holidays are particularly rough. I know this is odd, but I think you mentioned Noah being from the Seattle area, and I just want you to know I live here and am happy to email with you/meet for coffee anything you need if I'm able while you are here. Email me if you need anything- my email address should be on my response but if not let me know!