Never Say Never

It's hard to see the light at the end of the dark tunnel sometimes, and it often feels like there is no way things are going to work out. I've felt that, most people on IF Island have felt that at some point. It sucks. One thing I've done to help convince myself that there is in fact a light out there, some where, even if it's a tiny speck, is to remind myself never to say never.

I was once guilty of being a "never/always" gal. After some procedure didn't work out (notice how I'm refraining from the word failure?) I would find myself feeling and saying, "This is NEVER going to work out, I'm NEVER going to have a baby!" While this statement felt true, and even now sometimes feels true, I remind myself that it isn't. Never is a strong word, as is always. They are both so definite and I'm finding that things in life often aren't that definite (notice how I'm using the word "often" and "sometimes" a lot?). 

Sometimes never is true. I will never be 5'8" and have nice legs. Fact. 

I will never...gosh. It's actually hard to come up with true NEVER scenarios! The thoughts that just ran through my mind were: I will never perform open heart surgery on myself, followed by the counter thought that maybe one day I'll get into a plane crash and be one of two survivors. If the other survivor happens to be a heart surgeon whose legs are pinned under the plane and can't get to me, perhaps he/she will talk me through a procedure that can save my own life. Yup. All that just went through my head just now. So did, I'll never kill an animal with my bare hands but then I thought what if I'm stranded on an island and some scary beast tries to attack me and I have to defend myself with a homemade sword and kill the beast!? Then I thought, I'll never be a blond, followed by, maybe I should reinvent myself in the new year? Maybe not.

Never is really hard!

I hear people say, "I'll never be pregnant," and I feel that way sometimes too. And it may be true for some. There may be a physical reason why a pregnancy can't happen, and that is a huge loss. But it may take re-framing our goals to reestablish what we really want. If it's a family or a baby we want, we can get that. If the most important thing is to be a parent, it can happen. We just have to get creative.

I found myself thinking that I'm never going to have a biological child. I've been letting go of my biology for a while, because I've had to in order to move towards our goal of having a baby and a family. It's sad but I've let it go. But in my heart I don't think I'm never going to have a biological child. I think I am. Perhaps I'm totally delusional and perhaps it actually won't happen for me, but I truly believe that one day, Noah and I may be able to rub our parts together the old fashioned way and make a baby. I just do. I've been told my ovarian reserve is nil, my AMH is undetectable, the eggs are crap. Fine. But the body changes. Life changes. Things may be possible. We all have to believe that. And if there really is a definite never (again, I will never be 5'8") then we have to find our own solution (a pair of 3" stilettos).

I know the loses of what our body can and can't do is devastating. I know sometimes it feels like we will NEVER get off this Island or that we will ALWAYS be stuck in this life situation we didn't chose and wouldn't wish upon our worst enemy, but remember things change. 

Things ALWAYS change, eventually, and things NEVER stay exactly the same. 

Comments

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Hi Helen,
Sorry your going through all this madness, and thanks for your sweet comments. You are right. We can't be defined by our fertility or lack there of, but when your drowning in the abyss of this crap it feels like that's all there is. For me, that's all people want to talk about with me. But I also know it's all I really talk about. The more we can do other things, have other interests, stay active, the more we can remember what we were like as people before the storm hit. I guess. But it's hard and I know our diagnosis, DOR, is really hard! Thank you for following along. I hope the blog gets more....positive soon, and I hope you find ways to really take care of yourself now more than ever. Sending much love. m

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Hi Jilli! WE CAN DO IT! Si Se Puede! RIght? Maybe. I may be crazy but I think it's true that the body changes and you hear these stories of women trying for ten years against all odds, doing all kinds of interventions etc, and then one day it just happens! I think for me it's also kind of a defensive thing, like the more someone, some doctor tells me I can't the more I'm like, "oh yeah, well watch this!" It's all crazy. My doc never said I can't, the reality is it will be hard. I'm trying to balance the logic and the rational with the hope and the faith. It's been interesting. Wishing you all the best as well.

[Helen]

Hi. I read lots of your blog for the first time yesterday deep in the grief of a failed ivf cycle with DOR at aged 36. I wanted to tell you that when I watched your videos I saw someone cool, beautiful, creative, funny and determined. I didn't see all of the things I'm feeling right now - I just saw you. And I felt sad for you that you have to go through this, just like I am and just like thousands of us are all around the world. I've had the exact same message about the low number of follies and the tears, it's all so brutal. I am not sure if that makes sense or even if it is helpful but you are so so much more than infertility and noticing that in you has helped me a lot. Thank you.

[Jilli]

Dear Maya, i've been reading your blog since a few months and i find it so comforting. I'm so sorry that your story is a sad one (for the moment) but you must know that your writing means a lot to many of us who are experiencing IF crap. Most people who haven't gone through IF just don't get it...most friends can probably cheer u up, be compassionate, but they just don't understand. what you wrote today about feeling that it can still happen the old-fashioned way.. i've been feeling exactly the same! the more my body is not cooperating, the more i have faith in it. how weird is that? 2 years struggling with unexplained, many IUIs, now endo... the worse it gets, the more i feel like i can do it. as u said, probably delusional. but u gotta keep the hope somehow, right? wishing you all the best!!

[Jilli]

Dear Maya, i've been reading your blog since a few months and i find it so comforting. I'm so sorry that your story is a sad one (for the moment) but you must know that your writing means a lot to many of us who are experiencing IF crap. Most people who haven't gone through IF just don't get it...most friends can probably cheer u up, be compassionate, but they just don't understand. What you wrote today about feeling that it can still happen the old-fashioned way.. i've been feeling exactly the same! the more my body is not cooperating, the more i have faith in it. how weird is that? 2 years struggling with unexplained, many IUIs, now endo... the worse it gets, the more i feel like i can do it. as u said, probably delusional. but u gotta keep the hope somehow, right? wishing you all the best!!