Post BFN Trauma Disorder (PBFNTD)

I'd like to propose a new category of trauma to the new DSM-V. I know I'm a little late in this proposal as the new DSM has already hit the shelves, but there's got to be some way to make Post BFN Trauma Disorder legit.

Because going through these cycles and getting repeated BFN's is TRAUMATIC! 

Case in point, there are symptoms of re-experiencing or re-living the awful moment of getting that phone call, of all that has led up to the phone call, of the intense anxiety waiting for that phone call. And of course the horrible flashback of the nurse saying, "Your beta was a negative, sorry. Have a nice weekend!" HAVE A NICE WEEKEND? 

There are symptoms of avoiding--avoiding certain things, people, social situations, body types (the ones with round bellies) that are reminders of the traumatic experience you've just endured. This kind of avoidance can lead to feelings of isolation and detachment...ummmm...sound familiar?

There are symptoms of "increased arousal" like crying uncontrollably, having anger outbursts, irritability and any other "excessive emotions," like the deep paralyzing fear that a family may never happen for you or the feeling of utter despair because you don't know what to do next and your body and bank account have limited your options.

There can be nightmares and intrusive thoughts, and moments of feeling totally numb. There can be distorted blame, persistent negative beliefs and expectations about oneself or the world. There can be alienation and problems concentrating. There can be physical symptoms, like feeling jittery or totally exhausted all the time.   

I think it's pretty legit. Being on IF Island is like being exposed to a chronic and persistent traumatic situation. You become totally addicted to the hope that some medical intervention is going to get you off the Island, and that hope becomes  the obsession. When that hope fails you, all seems lost. 

It's absolutely traumatic. And the trauma and feelings after a BFN are normal and make sense for the situation. But they aren't fun.

After my last BFN in August I think I was in total shock. I quickly made peace with what happened and was a little too zen about the whole thing. Maybe in the back of my head I knew we had the Lone Ranger sitting in the freezer, maybe I was in shock. But about two weeks after the bad news I had a total breakdown, as if I were hearing about it for the first time. HOW COULD THIS NOT WORK?!! It was a delayed response. Being aware of some of these things this second time around is helpful, but I must say I'm not sure where this is all headed for me.

It's a really personal experience for sure and people go through it differently. In the end we have to find ways to take care of ourselves and each other. Writing and talking about it seems to help me, because there is this moment where my present direct experience suddenly becomes the past. "We tried again, and it didn't work." Past tense. Behind me. 

This morning I woke up not looking like an amateur boxer, the way I did yesterday morning. That was good. I hardly cried yesterday and I'm not sure if it hasn't totally hit me yet or if I'm actually ok.  Time will tell. In the mean time, I'll wait for my boobs to deflate from the progesterone and Noah and I will try to come up with a list of options we have left (probably written on a post-it). 

If and when my feelings...hit the fan, as they say, I'll know it's part of the deal here and that I have to make an extra effort to be good to myself. 

Comments

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Thanks for your sweet words and info ladies! Kellie--I totally get your rant, and it's not really a rant. I have to tell myself the doctors and nurses don't love us, and this is their job. Though there could be a little more...sensitivity at times, this is what they do every day. Limbo...obsession..you're not alone! Wishing everyone so much luck!

[Kellie]

Your have a nice weekend reminds me of when they RE nurse told me I miscarried. My husband broke down and I followed shortly after and the nurse said to us - "You seem shocked, did I not prepare you for this?" And, this was after the ultrasound tech show us the screen knowing there was no heart bat and we thought she was showing us because we were getting good news! Seriously, WTF is wrong with people? Sorry for my rant!

Anyway, I came across your blog tonight and I am glad I did. It's refreshing to feel connected to someone going through similar things and feelings so I don't feel like a horrible and selfish person. I am going through the avoiding symptoms and I am feeling isolated from my friends and family. And, you are right it is like an obsession and you feel in this weird state of limbo. Not knowing what's going on, what's going to happen, what won't happen, when you can move on.

Thank you for sharing!

[Samantha]

Honey, I don't even have words. It's just crappy, and that's all really. You are so strong, and I have to believe you will get your happily ever after.

[Johanne F]

Hi, I have not tried these myself, for I'm one of the lucky ones
who receives coverage for ivf thru my insurance. I remember reading about organizations helping women who cannot afford the procedure by giving out grants. So here goes....I'm really praying for you....The International Council on Fertility Information Dissemination, Fertile Dreams, Gift of Life Foundation, I'm on the east coast so East Coast Fertility. Give them a call, if they can't help maybe they will be able to refer you to other foundations...Keep your head up...I don't know what it is, but I feel you are a very strong woman you'll make it thru this! Your blog has given me strength to carry on, thank you so much for sharing. All the best!