The Morning After

The morning after a BFN has some similarities to other "Mornings After," in that you wake up feeling a little confused, you don't really know what just happened, and all you want to do is get the hell out of the situation. Oh, you also have a raging headache and wish you could hit the rewind button.

But this kind of morning after is also different. At least for me, because I don't feel embarrassed and I don't have regrets. Well, that's not entirely true. I regret that certain experiences turned out the way they did, but I don't know if that's really something I can regret. I regret that my sister spent her summer going through the IVF process with us because it was a lot to ask from her and it was painful for all of us, but I don't regret that we did it, if that makes sense. We can't regret things based on the end result. We knew we had to try donor eggs with her and what she showed us we the meaning of generosity, love, and family in a way that not many other sibling sets get to experience. So I guess regret isn't the right word, I'm sad that she went through all that she did and that in the end we had nothing to show for it. 

Every step of the process has been about making the best choice from a handful of crappy choices, and while the various IVF's and IUI's have given me nothing more than an extra 10 pounds around my belly, I don't regret trying. We had to try. We had to dive in head first, because this was our shot. I can only look back and know we did everything, EVERYTHING we could to make a baby the way we were being told we could, and it didn't work. No regrets. 

What I've learned is that I have more strength and determination than I ever imagined. I've learned a new language and met a new group of incredible people who are surviving this madness every day. I've learned that I have the best family in the world and the most patient, loving,  and supportive husband. I've learned that even though our baby hopes just fell apart at the seams, I actually am very lucky.

So we'll take the weekend to cry it out. In the 13 years Noah and I have been together I have waken up before him a total of four times, so the fact that I'm up and he's still in bed is a signal that he is totally exhausted from all of this. Totally, and utterly beat down. Eventually we will get back up and count what we have left. Unfortunately, it isn't much, but it isn't nothing. It's pretty close to nothing, but not nothing.

So I'll make a big cup of coffee, the caffeinated kind, and go to yoga, and slowly we'll pick up the pieces of our lives and put it back together again. Wishing all who are going through this much strength, and sending thanks to everyone for the kind words of support.

Comments

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Thank you guys for following and sorry to any of you who are experiencing the same heartbreak. I'm trying to stay positive but also think it's fair to give space to feel utterly and whole heartedly disappointed. It's important to count your blessings but also important to tend to the sadness in a genuine way. Hope everyone out there takes good care of themselves, and thanks again for your words of support.

[Heather]

Love this post! I'll read it over and over again as I continue on my journey. What won't kill us will only make us stronger. You are superwoman!

[Lauren]

I admire your resilience and positive attitude amidst such heartbreak.

[Anna]

I also was not successful in my IVF very recently. We did everything we could, are also exhausted and numb and empty. I'm sorry for your loss. I guess we can't have everything we want in life.

[Johanne F]

My thoughts and sentiments are the same as Rebecca. I am so sorry that you guys are going thru this. My prayers are with you, and your family.

[Rebecca]

It breaks my heart to read this post. I have been thinking of you as I've followed your journey, and I know this is so painful and there are so few who can understand. I'm so sorry.