So I'm a big believer in feeling all the feelings that I have, honoring them, sitting with them, learning to accept what is--all that good stuff, but I've also started watching Homeland, and am slowly starting to ALSO believe in distraction in the form of TV to numb my brain and avoid feeling anything but anticipation for what is going to happen next on the show.
Such a big part of what my exile on IF Island has taught me is about being in my emotions, however strong they are, and learning to accept all parts of life, myself, the world. I constantly try to be mindful and present. Being "in the moment" is all I've got and for the most part I've learned to embrace that moment fully, knowing whether it's good or bad, it is fleeting. One of my self-inflicted rules to practicing living in this way is not to use life distractions to avoid my feelings. I'm not on Facebook, I don't usually watch much TV, and I don't get drunk and pass out to forget my problems.
But Homeland is SO good. And there are SO many episodes to watch. And I'm trying to convince myself it's ok to allow my brain and my emotional being some relief via the boob tube. It is ok. Sometimes you've got to do whatever works. But today I went overboard. Noah and I watched five episodes. In a row. In the day time. It was so much better than sitting with my feelings. It was so much better than researching IVF DOR protocols or trolling egg donor websites.
I think it's all about finding balance. Suddenly my life has become about coping. It's become about dealing with the aftermath of a traumatic three years, a crap load of medications, and an uncertain road ahead to parenthood. Perhaps that is also a life lesson that will come out of this experience. How to cope. How to deal with life's curve balls, and how to know when to sit with the pain of things, and when to turn my brain into mashed potatoes in front of the television.
We have three episodes left of season 2, and then all of season 3 until we're caught up. Then maybe I can find some balance again.
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