"I believe in you"

I saw Gilli today, acupuncturist extraordinaire. She's not only skilled in what she does, but she has been such an incredible support for me over the past few years. I emailed her last week after the meeting about the embryo donation, and I think she could sense my desperation. She knows what my body has been through, and has seen my brain on Lupron first hand. Last time I was on Lupron, I knocked a copper drain pipe off the side of her building as I pulled into the parking lot. Cleanly swiped it off, in slow motion. Yeah, my brain majorly shuts down.

When I went in to her today, the first thing she said to me was, "I believe in you. I've always believed in you." It set my heart at ease to hear her say that, because for some reason I believe her more than I do myself. For those of us who do have at least some functioning parts, including one functioning fallopian tube, getting pregnant is always a possibility. Three plus years of hearing what is wrong with my body can do a number on a gal. It's hard to believe natural conception can be possible. But it is.

We talked about dietary changes and she gave me a handful of herbs/vitamins including CoQ10, pycnogenol, fish oil, vitamin C, and her special "ovarian reserve" pills. I feel much better when I'm actively doing something, right? So What I'm doing is taking care of my body and getting healthy. I haven't felt good since 2010. Wow. That's the absolute truth. How sad.

Before I left, Gilli said, "It's time to live your life again," and I felt totally...vacant. I can hardly remember how I spent my time and energy before I packed my bags and moved to IF Island. What would I be doing with myself if I wasn't living here? (I know what I'd be doing, I'd be taking my two year old to the friggin' park!). Okay, then what can I do with myself even though I'm still living here? How can I be healthy and strong and feel good in my body? How can I have a calm and clear mind? How can I move forward with my life and career? How can I find my happy again, even when I feel like there is something huge missing?

I suppose part of the answers lie in recommitting to living in the present moment in the best way possible. Being conscious of what I put into my body, being kind with the words I feed myself, and being grateful for what I do have. Reconnecting to my husband and finding genuine hope again. These are the things on my to do list.

Comments

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Ha! Isn't she great. I love her. I referred three friends to her and all of them got pregnant. I was like, "Thanks a lot Gilli!" But they don't have the same issues I have. It speaks to her work though!

[Dani]

Maya, you're kidding -- I go to Gilli too! Yet another common thread but this time, a good one!