I was just responding to a comment about breaking out into a sweat when seeing the word Lurpon, and I realized my body needs a time out. In my mind, all I can see is time ticking away, sand running through the hour-glass, my ovaries turning to dust. Those thoughts propel my body to keep on fighting. Better to say those fears force my body to accept being injected and poked and prodded, even when every ounce of my physical being is begging for a break.
The battle of mind and body is not conducive to conception. They aren't two separate entities, but one being whose peace and harmony depend on being integrated. Going through so many rounds of medical treatments, I've started to really feel a disconnect to my body. It's almost as if I don't want anything to do with it. I try to numb myself from the pain of shots and procedures, and I try to ignore the changes in shape and size. I just can't deal and the result is feeling totally disconnected. Yoga really helps me get back in touch with myself but along with doing yoga I have to practice listening to my body and changing my thoughts to match the wisdom hidden deep in my core.
Right now my body is saying no. Serenity now! Back off! Oh, hell NO! At other points in time I felt ready to start a cycle, ready to purchase my syringes, ready to go! That's not how I feel right now, so that means halt. ALTO! But my brain isn't totally cooperating. My brain reminds me that I'm turning 34 in a few months. I started this madness when I turned 30! I don't know how much longer this will take...we have to keep going! Time is running out. I can't live like this...in this holding pattern, this holding cell for much longer, come on Maya, keep running!!!
My job right now is to rein in my fearful brain and honor my body. That means battling these negative thoughts and replacing them with the truth. The truth is we will have a family. We will have a baby. It may not be tomorrow, but it will be. The truth is the body changes, and we never know what can happen. The truth is I have an incredible husband and lots to be grateful for. To honor my body is to keep doing yoga, eat good foods, and take care of it. To not feel guilty for resting and for devoting as much time to healing my heart as I would to trying to burn off the extra hormone weight.
I still have some convincing to do, but I'm getting there. It's a continuation on the theme of acceptance, one of the most important things to be able to do. Pushing forward when you're completely exhausted is like swimming upstream. The potential for drowning is high. Going with the flow, wherever that may take you, will allow some time to regain strength and perhaps find of peace and clarity.
Encouraging everyone who is swimming upstream right now to take a moment to relax into the waves, see how it feels, and to listen to what your body is telling you.
Ugh Jamie. I'm so sorry. And right around your birthday no less. The shock and disappointment that you've done all these shots and had procedures and spent all this money has resulted in nothing is so devastating. I get it. I get it several times over. I can't say that it gets less shocking the longer you're in this world, but I can say that I'm still standing. I love my husband more than ever and I'm a different person than I was, a better person. A patient person. A grateful person. It doesn't ease the sadness of the unfairness of it all. A short break may be good, but that too is hard. I'm turning 34 in April. I started this crap when I turned 30--well, trying at least. I feel super stressed out about time at times but I realize now that my time will come, and it will happen when it happens and all I can do is follow my heart and make the best decisions I can in any given moment. I wish you the best of luck and hope you journey on IF Island ends soon so a new beautiful chapter can begin.
Posted by: Don't Count Your Eggs | December 07, 2013 at 10:03 PM
Thank you for sharing! I just had my first unsuccessful IVF after trying everything for the past year and a half we thought for sure this was going to bring great results and much to our surprise, we are not pregnant. My husband isn't saying much, he is sad. My hear is broken and the rollercoaster of emotions we have been on for the past year and a half are overwhelming at times. I am ready to get off the ride, give myself a break, but I turned 33 yesterday and I feel like my clock keeps ticking. I can relate to so many of you. It really helps to read your positive posts. It is so hard to remain positive throughout this journey but it helps to hear other stories! Thanks for sharing and shedding some light and hope my way ;) Praying for all of you!
Posted by: Jamie | December 07, 2013 at 05:44 AM
Thanks for your kind words Allison and Claire. It really means a lot to me. I'm so sorry you both relate so well to my journey, it sucks. Allison, my heart goes out to you and what you have coming in the new year really saddens me. I hope all goes as best as possible and that your luck changes for the better in 2014. Claire, it sounds like you and I are kind of in the same boat. The highs and lows are awful and I also hope 2014 proves to bring more highs. Sending lots of love and good thoughts your way ladies!
Posted by: Don't Count Your Eggs | December 05, 2013 at 08:13 AM
Maya - I just want to let you know that I am so glad that I found your blog. It must be hard to write about some of your struggles. I am also struggling (though nothing compared to yours) with 3 miscarriages. I am scheduled for a D&C and laproscopy in January and I share your feelings of looking at the sand fall thru the hour glass. Time feels like it's just ticking away. I hope you can find the peace you deserve and are able to relax, if even just for a bit. It is the holidays after all. Try a massage and a pedicure to treat yourself and relax! My thoughts are with you!
Posted by: Allison | December 05, 2013 at 06:46 AM
It is such a joy to read your blog! I have been feeling like I'm alone on IF island and then I found you. I have just finished a cycle of unsuccessful IVF that was converted to an IUI. Needless to say that didn't work either. I am 35 and will soon be 36 in February. The extreme highs and lows of going through IF are near impossible to manage, it is nice to know you are not alone. This blog is like a guilty pleasure, ice cream binge, and medical necessity all rolled into one. Lol! Good luck to you and keep up the good work, I look forward to every post!
CP on IF island
Posted by: Claire | December 03, 2013 at 02:43 PM