Redefining Family

Yesterday we spent some time with a great couple we met on IF Island who are preparing for their baby via adoption. I've written about them before and will post a video clip from the interview we did with them one of these days. In a nutshell, they went through years of IF, donor eggs, miscarriages, surgeries...everything and the kitchen sink. Then they decided to adopt, and while the process was no small task, they were matched almost immediately and in late October, Candace (the soon-to-be adoptive mom) went to meet the birth mom and find out the sex of the baby.

It's a boy! He's healthy. And Candace is happy. While there are some lingering fears that surround the adoption process until toes are counted and legal documents are signed, Candace seemed genuinely, beautifully happy. It was encouraging.

She told me that she had invited her birth mom to have Christmas with her family, and her in-laws, and was excited about her expanding family. Not just in the sense of her baby coming soon, but in the sense that with the open adoption she is doing, she has embraced her birth mother as part of her extended family, and she really means it. I don't know if Candace ever thought that along with having a baby she was going to get several adults who were one day strangers and the next day very intimate friends. But I do know that she has embraced the process and allowed the excitement and openness overcome any possible worries. She may not be pregnant, but yesterday she was glowing.

We don't always know where this path will take us, or how we will end up finding resolution, but what I've learned is there are SO many ways a family is made.  There are so many different "normals." If we have an open mind and an optimistic attitude, that can only help the situation. That's what I'm trying to find. That's what Candace has committed to so gracefully.

Sending lots of love this Sunday night to all those still trying to find their family, and to everyone still adjusting to their new normal, whatever that may be. 

Comments

[Dani]

Hmm... I posted it -- I don't know why it didn't go through. Perhaps email me directly?

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

I hear ya Dani. Or how about, "this could be your miracle baby!" I got that one whenever I started to let go because the situation seemed dire. That kind of hope is so addictive. And yes, face punches are well deserved at times. I didn't see the comment with the link to Discount Huevos R' Us? I'd be interested in learning about it. I found a few other clinics out of state who do egg sharing kind of programs from a frozen donor egg bank. They basically guarantee you two good embryos and will inseminate as many eggs as needed to get you that. It's just under 20K which is less than a fresh donor but still 20K. Ugh. Have a good Friday!

[Dani]

Maya -- did my comment with the link get to you? Just wanted to make sure you saw it.

[Dani]

Oh, and yes-- a good one, any good one would be nice at this point. But I won't say "it just takes one"-- that infertility catch phrase bugs the hell out of me. I generally want to punch my doctor in the face when he says that to me. I've given him about sixty and yet, somehow, that "just one" remains irritatingly elusive.

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Dani-- I can't find info on the egg donor agency, can you post a link? It sounds interesting, are they in LA? For some reason I just imagined going door to door with a little basket asking people for eggs. There are times I feel so desperate I forget that it is someone's complete genetic material. I don't even care, I just want one that works! I used to be so much pickier.

[Dani]

I laughed out loud at that assessment. But actually, it's pretty much exactly like that-- except that you steal 5 mature eggs instead of 1, and it probably won't count as stealing since you're putting down a good deal of scratch for the privilege.

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Hey Dani. Thanks for the info. Always appreciated! I've never heard of a tag along cycle. It sounds like some people are going egg hunting and I'm running along the side of their car going, "wait a minute, you guys mind if I just hop in the trunk and ride along? I won't be any trouble!" And then I steal one egg out of their basket when they are looking the other way. I will look into it for sure. Thanks and please always feel free to keep us posted on anything helpful you find. Good luck!

[Dani]

Hi Maya, I'm sorry if what I'm about to suggest is totally inappropriate because we're strangers, but in the spirit of sharing information-- If you're at all considering egg donation but are concerned about the cost, have you heard about a "tag along" cycle with The Egg Donor Program? You can get a fresh egg at the fraction of the cost of traditional egg donation. I just met with The Egg Donor Program Agency the other day and hadn't yet heard of this unique type of cycle. Again, I hope this info doesn't offend (I know unsolicited infertility advice is a major faux pas) but I thought I'd mention it just in case egg donation was something you are at all considering.

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Thank you all so much for your support and good wishes (and all the way from NZ! :) ) It's lonely on this Island at times so your words mean a lot!

[Nicki]

This is the best infertility blog I have come across, and I am all the way down in New Zealand. Thanks Maya!

[Lauren]

You make me weep with joy and gratitude. Because you give me something to aspire to in terms of coping, healing, dreaming. You are SO RIGHT, there are so many ways to build a family. All I know is this: you're going to figure it out, somehow, someway, and when you do, that little baby is going to be one of the luckiest little creatures in the world to have such a sweet, positive, gentle soul as you for a mother.

[Pria]

Thank you so much for this blog Maya!! We really need all the good wishes and love..take care and God bless!!