Video Post: After our first unsuccessful IVF cycle

I've been noticing some comments from people who are coming off their first unsuccessful IVF cycle, and my heart goes out to all of you. I vividly remember that time for us, over a year ago. The complete shock and despair and feeling like you're circling the drain about to be totally lost in an abyss of nothingness. It sounds dramatic but it is dramatic. And upsetting. And unfair.

Noah and I have been documenting our journey (on film and in writing) to finding our family for almost two years now. The film project started before our first appointment with the RE and the intention was to document to help us process our experience and hopefully share our story with others down the line. We NEVER anticipated that this would become a full blown documentary project with our ending floating out in the horizon somewhere. My book is also now almost 300 pages and I'm really hoping to write "The End" soon. So I have lots of words and we have lots of footage, real footage, from different moments that help us remember where we've been and realize where we are now.

I get that it may not be too comforting that I'm still writing this blog years later. I know when we first started Noah and I both said we would NOT do THIS for years. NO WAY! As part of our documentary we've interviewed several couples who did different things (medical, surrogacy, egg donation, adoption) to get their baby, and many of them were on IF Island for years. It terrified us and we just couldn't fathom it. Here we are now, one of those couples, one of those survivors. And while it may not be comforting to those out there who have taken their first steps in the world of IF, just remember that I'm still standing. I'm still married to a man who I think still loves me (JK, he does). I'm still determined. But I'm not as depressed as I was, even though after several more unsuccessful cycles I probably should be. I'm just not. I know what I'm made of. I know that I can sit with and lean into the worst feelings of confusion and frustration and heartache and anger and I can come out on the other side with more compassion for myself and for others. I can sit in the crap that life sometimes dishes out and I can breathe. I can be honest and genuine in my sadness, and cry it out, scream it out, and then I can get up and go to work the next day. The strength I now know I have is something that can never be taken from me. Would I have chosen this? Hell no. But it chose me, and that's something I can't control. So I've accepted my path and have tried to make lemonade out of lemons, or whatever Noah always says when I'm crying, "why us?!"

The clip below was shot on the morning after our three embryos officially died in the dish, ending our first IVF cycle. All the feelings I thought would kill me didn't, and though I thought then that I had no more options, no more choices, I actually did. We always find a way to move forward, even when it feels like we can't even lift our foot to take that first baby step.

 

Every individual or couple has to figure out what makes sense to them in any given moment. You have to weigh the options and the cost those options will be to your body, mind, spirit, bank account, relationship, whatever. Often you have to make the best worst choice. No one wants to have to choose any of the options we are often presented on IF Island, but we do have some choices. After blowing through plan A, B, C and D, Noah and I are kind of floating.

There are moments when I feel like we'll never find solid ground again. Those are the moments where I have to bring it all back to the present moment I have. The fact that my heart still beats and my lungs can take in a nice fresh breath of air. I think about the love I have in my life and the little pleasures like that first sip of delicious tea in the morning and the feeling of total sweaty calm after a good yoga class. I remind myself it's going to be ok. I'm going to be ok. We will find our way again. We all will.

Comments

[Emma]

Nice blog. I am struggling also, some what different problem,age is prime factor for ivf treatment which also reduce chance of success rate.I hope that you dream will fulfilled.

[Gonal F Price]

In video you both looks really sad..But don't worry. try again i am sure every thing will be OK.

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Hey Caitlyn. Sorry you haven't been having much luck on IF Island either. It's rough. And it's really rough to feel so misunderstood. You are SOOO not alone! There are some incredible warriors out there fighting for their family just like you. Wishing all good things for you this new year!

[Caitlyn]

Hi Maya,

Your blog is amazing and I am excited for your video project. So often I feel isolated on IF Island- it is so uplifting to read stories about how we are not alone!
Something you said in your video, "So what do we do now? I just go back to work like nothing happened?" resonated so much with me. I swear I have said that same line a few times (after two failed transfers and a miscarriage). It feels so surreal and lonely to return to the land of the living after such disappointment.
I admire your courage! Thank you for sharing your story.
Caitlyn
Austin, TX

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Hi Heather. Welcome. You've been through so much crap, and have more than permission to feel sad and acknowledge the shitty unfairness of all of this. It's awful. There's so sunshine to blow up anything, but there is sunshine still in the world. You have every right to decide when you're ready to open your eyes to it, or search for it. Sometimes it's hard to find, but it's there for you. I can understand wanting to take some time. I've written a lot about our first IVF cycle. I thought it would be our only IVF cycle. I could never imagine we'd be where we are, or that I could survive all that I have. But I'm still standing, kind of. You sound like a true survivor, a real IF warrior. I wish you so much luck with this IVF and hope the clouds finally open for you.

[Heather]

Maya,
I just found your blog. I am in the very early stages of my first IVF cycle. I have been pregnant 9 times, 2 ectopic with the tubes removed, I just turned 40 in October.
I have read so many blogs, discussion boards, pretty much everything for every scenario.
I cannot tell you how much your blog just resonated with all of the emotions I've had for the past 10 years. I'm usually pretty private about being sad and only my husband and best friend have seen me at my worst. I really needed to read something that wasn't "oh poor me" or blowing sunshine up my ass.

It's like you've given me permission to acknowledge just how shitty this whole process has been and how incredibly strong I am capable of being.

My baseline is January 2, 2014. My medication will be delivered next Friday.

Thank you.

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Thanks Jackie. I did see that but wasn't sure if I qualified. I've done one IVF with my own eggs, one with my sisters, and one FET with my sisters last embryo. I will look into it more. Yes. My parents are awesome. They're the most loving and ridiculous supporters we've got!

[Jackie]

Maya,
How many times have you had IVF? I saw this link on twitter, a research study in LA if you've had at least 3 failed IVFs. http://infertilitysurvivalkit.com/listing/thrive-ivf-research-study/
And yes, the doctors at CFP are unbelievably good. Dr. March is my hero.
I am getting much out of your writing and love the video posts, especially the one with your sweet parents. It's awesome that you are documenting and sharing your journey in the way that you are.
-Jackie

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Hi Jackie. Welcome. I get being terrified. So sorry you've had to go through all that you have. Being scar free is great but being unsure about being able to sustain a pregnancy is rough. I hope it works out for you in some way. Your baby will find you. Yes, I know about CFP. I know many people who LOVE Dr. Marrs. I just saw they had a blog post earlier this year about Asherman's Syndrome (http://californiafertilitypartners.com/fertility-blog/fertility-treatment/ashermans-syndrome-explained/). Thanks for checking in! Best of luck.

[J.]

Maya,
I just found your blog. I feel for you and your husband very much. I am struggling also, though with something different - I had Asherman's Syndrome due to a D&C for a missed miscarriage. I'm scar-free now but it thinned my lining a lot and it's a trauma to your uterus, so no telling if I will be able to get pregnant. I'm terrified and I am already 36. I wanted to mention something to you. Are you familiar with California Fertility Partners? I flew there for my treatment from Ohio and cannot imagine better doctors. There are IVF doctors there also. I wanted to mention it just in case.
Wishing you the very best. I look forward to revisiting your blog often.
Jackie

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Thanks so Much Jen. It means a lot. Going through this is really lonely but know you are definitely not alone. I wish you so much luck with your donor cycle. Please keep me posted on how you're doing.

[Jen]

Hi Maya,

I've been meaning to post a comment for some time now. I'm going through similar things, and I wanted you to know that I follow your blog religiously and really enjoy it. It's well-written and heartfelt. As a person going through an egg donor cycle, I've felt alone many times, and your blog alleviates that quite a bit. I'm sure I speak for many of your readers! Please keep it up and hang in there. I'm 100% sure that you're going to come out on top in the end, and that this will simply be a story of your own perseverence that you'll refer to in years to come as you continue to inspire others.

Jen