Dos and Don'ts of Donor Websites

Our new favorite pastime is trolling donor egg websites. Noah and I can spend hours going through profiles and thinking about what kind of baby he would make with these strangers. It's crazy to think about how we got to this point. I vividly remember being really upset that I would have to go on Clomid to up my egg ante so we could try to make a baby. That was over three years ago. Now, here we are, typing in our password to have access to endless pages of girls who could possibly contribute 50% of DNA to a child that would grow inside me. I would think I'd feel more...sad, but I don't. Through the  struggle of trying to build a family, I've had to let go and process the many losses, redefine my goal (to be a mom, not to have a biological child), and create a new normal over and over again. 

Laying in bed clicking on "Donor #663, Asian" is my new normal. Trying to decide if it would be strange to give birth to a child that is a completely different race than I am is our before bedtime discussion. Processing the possible loss of my ethnic heritage in a child that is not made from my egg is what I'm wrapping my head around. There are a lot of things to consider when moving on to egg or embryo donation, and in the end, I feel like there is only one thing that matters. That it works and we get a healthy child. We will love that kid so much. This much I know.  But part of the acceptance of making a family in this way is thinking about all the implications. It's thinking about what we will tell this child. It's being open to whoever and whatever this child may be. It's knowing they may be genetically predisposed to things that have nothing to do with Noah or me. And it's being fully okay with all of it.

Seeing my ovaries the other day during my sonohysterogram really sealed the deal for me. I had two follicles in one ovary and one large one, ready to be ovulated, in the other. Three total. I'm not yet 34. My ovarian reserve has diminished significantly since I was first "diagnosed" with Diminished Ovarian Reserve. The tank is running low and my ovarian functioning is compromised. I know this. I accept this. I don't give up on the hope that maybe there can be a diamond in there, but I know that considering a donated embryo and trolling donor egg websites is what we need to do to focus on making our baby and getting us off IF Island ASAP.

So as I make online egg shopping my new favorite hobby, I have to give myself a few...parameters so that I don't go nuts. I'm sharing them here with you.

1) Don't get angry at skanky looking donor photos. Noah and I have found that there is a fine line between donor egg  profile photos and dating profile photos. It usually goes..."here I am next to tree, here I am at prom, here I am with my dog, here I am in short shorts on a bicycle, here I am in a bikini, here is a semi-professional model shot with my hair blowing in the wind and my belly button exposed." I DON'T WANT TO SEE THE BELLY BUTTON OF MY POTENTIAL EGG DONOR! But alas, there it is, so don't get upset. When I first started looking at these sites I thought it was all kind of creepy, now I just laugh and try to look for the best looking gal who doesn't seem insane.

2) Don't be weirded out when only a baby picture is posted. It's weird. Noah feels totally gross trying to fathom what a baby would look like made from him and a picture of some baby. It's not very helpful but I understand the anonymity. 

3) Don't get caught up trying to find someone that looks like you. Often people get to the point with this where they just say, "brown hair, brown eyes? Fine. Done." It's overwhelming to look at so many profiles, there may just come a point where it doesn't even matter as long as there is no major family medical history.

4) Don't spend more than 30 minutes on the site. Your brain will feel like it's exploding.

5) Do find a way to have peace with the situation, whatever one you may be in.

6) Do feel grateful that whatever medical intervention, especially those including third party reproduction, is available to you. Unless it isn't, and in many countries it isn't, and that's B.S. in my opinion. Then you can be pissed. It's extra hard when certain procedures are technically available but financially unavailable. I understand that and it sucks. That may actually be our situation here with egg donation. Though you may need to make some compromises one way or another, where there is a will, there is a way.

7) Do find a friend, preferable on IF Island too, to share photos and feelings with. It helps to have someone to bounce thoughts off of and the laugh with.

8) Do remember you will find a way to complete your family. It may not be today, it may be with some slutty eggs, it may mean your kid may be a math whiz you completely don't relate to, but you will love that kid with all your heart and soul.

Happy egg hunting to anyone in a similar boat, and good luck to all those embarking on a different ART adventure that has taken much compromise and sacrifice. Hopefully the pay off is just around the corner.  

Comments

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Thanks for sharing your process Lauren! I'm so glad you found your perfect donor! At least close to perfect. Wishing you all the best! Keep us posted!

[Lauren]

I have to say, I felt like a pervy old man, trawling through the various database of fertile young things...

I didn't really care about my ethnic heritage too much. I'm English / Irish / Welsh / German, and my donor is the same, plus French and Italian. DH and I were open to Mediterranean / Middle Eastern because I have olive skin and it runs on both sides of the family. In fact, the only reason we ruled out 50% or more Asian, Black, or Latina was because we weren't sure if we want to be completely open with strangers about how we built our family. Because as a white-white couple, having a child of a different race means people will think child is adopted, and when you say, "no they're not" they might think I cheated on my husband! So, that's why our preference was for a white donor. Yet another criterion...

Oh, and because I am 6'1" it was important to me to have a tall donor. There were few donors over 5'8" who I liked. I compromised on 5'7" because she is otherwise pretty much perfect. Until I found her, I was going crazy.

I can totally feel this post! As someone who's been through the selection process, I can say you dispense excellent advice.

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Oh Dani, you crack me up! I guess we have to be thankful that these gals will give up their eggs and that it's legal here, but someone should really monitor the photo situation!

Mrs. Hip--I'm sorry you need eggs and can't get them! That's just another level of wrong if you ask me! It is CRAZY expensive, I know. Have you looked at Shady Grove http://www.shadygrovefertility.com/ it's one of the larger places in the US. Sometimes there are refund programs etc. which also sounds completely insane but it may be worth looking in to. Good luck! I hope something works out for you soon.

[Dani]

Oh, those slutty eggs! Because every woman wants to show to their child a picture of half their genetic material looking like a reject from the playboy submission pile. God love 'em!

[Mrs.Hip]

Happy hunting to you as well! We never thought we would be where we are now. We are in the exact same place as you. I am turning 34 next month and I am all out of eggs. Well the few I have are rotten ;)

Here in Canada our laws are very different. People can't donate eggs for money, or any type of compensation. So there are no anonymous donors. Unless you can find a friend or family member to donate, it is very difficult.

So we are looking at some clinics in the US that offer good international programs. I never thought that it would cost us so much money and time to even have a chance. But if it works out it will be all worth it I hope.