I've moved my phone consultation with the clinic that has the donated embryo back to February, and I booked a trip to New York again in May. This means chances are we won't move forward with the embryo donation until late spring early summer. When I started counting the months and doing the math, I immediately felt panicked. How can I wait that long? If it works, then I won't have a baby until 2015, and we are hardly into 2014! And if it doesn't work, we will be in the same place with another year lost!!!
There is so much free floating anxiety on IF Island--it's like it's always drizzling little droplets of Freak Out. Just enough to coat the skin and make me feel totally aware of it and slightly uncomfortable. That's how much of this week has been for me. Sticky and blech. There are so many questions and unknowns and things I can't plan for or have any control over, that it starts to feel like I'm floating from thought to thought. I've been slightly uneasy this week and have been made very much aware how uncomfortable I am with uncertainty.
As I wrote that last line I remembered a book I have by Buddhist nun Pema Chodron called, Comfortable With Uncertainty (perfect title right? I wish the book came in pill form). I flipped to a page I had marked and found this paragraph:
A warrior accepts that we can never know what will happen to us next. We can try to control the uncontrollable by looking for security and predictability, always hoping to be comfortable and safe. But the truth is that we can never avoid uncertainty. This not-knowing is part of the adventure. It's also what makes us afraid...If we find ourselves in doubt that we're up to being a warrior-in-training, we can contemplate this question: "Do I prefer to grow up and relate to life directly, or do I choose to live and die in fear?"
It's hard to commit to relating to life directly, when what's directly in front of you is scary. It's hard to breath into the fears and confront them. It's hard to feel grounded when so much feels up in the air. It's hard to be okay with the uncertainty of life, especially life on IF Island, and to find the patience necessary just to be with whatever is. It's hard to let the obsessive thoughts come and go. It's all just hard. But I do choose to learn to grow up and deal with the realities of life and the struggles of unconventional baby making in the best way I can.
One thing that helps me is to pull back and remind myself it's not going to be like this forever. Seeing and believing the big picture helps. So does finding a way to feel rooted down through my feet--through doing yoga, or taking a few deep breaths while standing for a moment and noticing all the physical sensations of "rooting down and rising up" as my yoga teacher often says.
Wishing all the warriors and warriors-in-training much love and strength this Friday! Root down and rise up!
keep on
Posted by: Kirsty | July 03, 2014 at 02:07 AM
Im in!
Posted by: devon | May 29, 2014 at 04:51 PM
I hope so Claire! It's funny, I said the same thing to myself the other day. I've been doing so well, don't fall apart now! I think it's a common phrase, but everything will be fine. Cheers to big bellies in 2014!
Posted by: Don't Count Your Eggs | January 18, 2014 at 11:39 AM
You won't have a baby until 2015, but you will be pregnant in 2014! You did so well with not freaking out over the New Year, don't start now. You are doing everything right, everything will be fine. Everything will be fine. We have no other choice. Drink some coffee, eat some runny eggs and enjoy the adventure.
Posted by: Claire | January 18, 2014 at 07:40 AM