Home Sweet Home

Being away was great, but so is being home. It's 5 degrees in NY today. FIVE. 

I was afraid that coming home was going to be overwhelming. We spent the past 12 days running around NYC in our puffy coats (not a cute look for me, btw) not thinking about anything related to infertility. We couldn't DO anything over the break or from across the country. So we didn't and it was awesome. 

Waiting in security lines in a very crowded JFK airport, I started to feel my chest tighten. I started getting agitated, and while I knew this uneasy feeling had something to do with the crowds and being hot in the puffy coat and all that stuff, I also knew my internal state was starting to get agitated. My psyche, my spirit, my emotional self--whatever you want to call it, perhaps knew that the plane we were getting on was taking us back to IF Island. 

The terrible part is it was kind of true. Back home, my to-do list consists of going grocery shopping and moving my sonohysterogram appointment and my embryo donation cycle consult and making an additional appointment for an updated pap because mine "expired" and the new clinic needs a more recent one, and getting more blood tests... Ahhhhh!

But the good part is my increase in self-awareness has allowed me to take a potentially overwhelming and frustrating situation and make it bearable. Not just bearable, but totally fine. As I started to feel the sensations in my body tighten and stir and get uncomfortable, I looked over at Noah, carrying both of our giant bags, sweating under his full beard and beanie, and his eyebrows raised in a signal for me to "simmer down." I then switched my attention to what was happening in the NOW. I am in a line. Next to a woman who is taking a mid sized dog on the plane. I am hot. I am anticipating having to do stuff I don't want to do back home. I'm starting to get a little anxious. I AM OK.  

When we are more aware of our feelings and thoughts, we have a better chance to be able to observe them in a mindful way, rather than get totally caught up in them. When I notice the physical feelings first I know they are warning signs to what's going on in my brain and my heart. When I allow a little time and space to understand what's going on without judgment, I can then respond to what I need, rather than react to my anxieties, fears and frustrations. 

This is something I've learned during my sequester on IF Island. It's an unintended positive outcome that helps me deal with the uncertainties of life. 

I got on the plane and made a list. My name is Maya, and I'm addicted to lists! I wrote out what I needed to do, organized my thoughts, breathed through my feelings, and convinced myself the situation is under control.

I AM OK. 

We are going to go one step at a time. That's all we can do. We don't have a specific plan just yet, but we have steps to take. That's just what it is right now. It's not fair or fun, but it is what it is.

Hoping the New Year is kicking off to a good start for all you on IF Island! If you're still lost and wandering, just remember it won't be like this forever. We have a fresh new year ahead of us with lots of possibilities. Sending so much love and patience.

Comments

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Sorry the shots are starting to get painful. That's what happens towards the end...but it's towards the end!!! I was on 8 vials of menopur at one point. I don't even know how much that actually is, but it wasn't pretty. I hope the extra boost of follistim helps. Your blog is great! Keep writing and stay strong!

[Heather]

I may have spoken too soon....it seems now that my stomach is a pin cushion and bruised, the injections are getting more and more painful. They upped my dosage of Follistim yesterday--ugh.
Friday I find out if it's helping.

I have a blog--no where near as awesome as yours, but it helps vent frustration. I haven't told anyone I know about it, but I think it's safe within the confines of IF Island! Check it out if you have time, I'm open to suggestions and comments from anyone who has any insight/input on what we are all going through.

http://sarmientostories.blogspot.com/

As an aside, I lived in Playa Del Rey about 15 years ago--loved every second of it!

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

You ladies are AWESOME!
Lauren, YOU READ MY MIND! I've been thinking of trying to organize an LA based meet up soon. Maybe I'll post it later tonight. I looked up the meetup.com but didn't see the group you're referring to...also, I'm a tech tard. But what is PVED? Would love to meet you one day!
Rebecca-- I hear ya. When I think about going back on Lupron (which is probably soon to come), I want to gouge my eyes out.And then after the shots there's the waiting...I'm not making this any better am I? But we're in it to win in! And you're en route! I wish you the best of luck. Please keep me posted!
T-- it's almost impossible to feel like we have any control over our lives when we are waiting to figure out the next steps. It sucks. It just does. You're right, the only thing we can do is feel present and know it won't be like this forever! And Courtney--Thanks for the well wishes! Right back at ya! Sending much love and luck!

[Courtney]

Wow, I seriously feel like we have the exact same feelings about good ol IF!! Wishing you guys lots of luck & love this New Year!!

[T from Fruitful Furbishing]

So true. So needed to hear this. I stress myself out so so much about the fact that I have no idea what the next step is or if there'll be a next step or what days I'm going to have Dr appointments. There's so much I have no control over. But I'm in control of this moment, and that's important.
Beyond helpful. Thank you!

[Rebecca]

Hoping this is the year for you and Noah...and me too! I agree about responding rather than reacting, but its hard. We are starting a FET cycle and I just don't want to do it. Don't want the appointments, don't want the shots, don't want the hormones, dont want to have to miss work, don't want any of it...except for the end result of a BFP. It's hard to always get yourself there mentally, but we do what we have to do. Thank you for sharing your journey, it helps to know others can relate!

[Lauren]

I am always so impressed by your resilience, Maya. Welcome home indeed!

BTW, don't know if you've heard but there is a PVED meeting in Manhattan Beach this Sunday afternoon -- details on their MeetUp.com page. If you're also going, look out for the 6'1" woman with the British accent and feel free to introduce yourself :)