It was the worst of times it was the worst-er of times

I've been coming across several people who have experienced a recent disappointment on IF Island, and I want to make sure I'm not coming off as a total Pollyanna, skipping around smelling the roses and being all "in the moment" in the face of adversity and pain. Yes, I have found a certain sense of  peace and calm and have a bit of distance and perspective on our whole situation, but I also know and remember all too clearly the absolute heartbreak and feelings of anger and confusion and despair that come with cycling through the stages of grief that happens after an unsuccessful ART adventure. Here's a previous post from the day our embryos died during our first IVF cycle (in 2012, kill me!), and another depressing post from after something else that didn't work (I'm losing track), that may share some of the sentiments of those currently in this awful, awful place.

I am not all jacked up on meds and in a cycle right now, which allows me to work on having clarity and being patient. It allows me to write about being present and grateful, because I'm not waking up to a shot to the belly or waiting for a phone call from my doctor to determine my immediate fate. Time and space have helped my heart heal, but I still carry all my baggage with me. Anyone who has been following this blog for a while knows there have been some VERY dark moments. Thanksgiving 2012 was one of them.  You can check out this past video post and this corresponding blog post if you want to take a terrible trip down memory lane with me. There are TONS of other rough moments from the past--after all, I've been living in this insanity for YEARS now. 

But being in this for all these year, there are a few things I am ABSOLUTELY sure of.

1) I will be a mother. I will. Period. 

2) I don't have any control over when my baby will find me. (Seems like he/she takes after dad--S.L.O.W. to figure out what they want--did I ever mention it took Noah 8 YEARS to propose to me? That's a story for another day).

3) Whatever happens on IF Island is not going to kill me. It may come close, but I'm not going to die. 

There have been many more life lessons, and things I feel sure of. There have been a lot of things I have had to try and accept, and sometimes I can do that with grace, and other times I feel angry and resentful. That's the nature of the beast here. Our feelings will fluctuate for sure, but what also is for sure is that we become stronger. We have no choice. It's like when you get a deep cut and then the skin that heals over it feels a little tougher? We will be raw for a while, but then we become more resilient. 

Surrendering to the uncertainties of life has helped me accept the present situation--the fact that I may never have a biological child, or be able to give birth--and move forward to the best of my ability. Right now, moving forward means being still for a second. 

Noah is turning 35 in two weeks. We thought we'd be working on baby #2 by now--not saving up to try to assemble a baby #1. But life handed us some pretty sour-ass lemons, and as Noah always says, we have to try and make the sweetest lemonade we can. 

Comments

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Good for you Heather! It's so okay to take as long as you need to recover from all of this. And never underestimate the affects of all the meds built up in your body. That doesn't make anything better. It's very disappointing to be moving towards something only to have the rug pulled out from under you. But you do have all those things you've listed and I do hope the next thing you do works out better for you. I have TONS of posts from hard times in the archives--April/May 2013, August was rough...hmmm...after our FET that didn't work out, I think that was Oct/Nov...we all get back up in our own time. Sending much love always.

[Heather]

Thank you for your posts. I went back and read the 2 you linked....you're right, IF is so lonely, but it's amazing when you meet someone who "knows" (not that I want anyone in the world to "know"...)
I took Friday and Saturday for my pity party and decided it was time to count my blessings.
1) It's not over
2) They cancelled it before the retrieval
3) We can try again (still debating if this should be counted as a blessing)
4) I have a wonderful husband
5) I got back up...again.