Miracles do Happen

This weekend I met/interviewed two incredible women, with incredibly hopeful stories. They were both almost 40 when they started TTC. They were both told by doctors that they would probably never conceive naturally. One woman was given a less than 2% chance naturally and less than 5% chance with IVF, given her blood test results, and an egg donor was immediately recommended. The other was told her husband would NEVER be able to get her pregnant. Both women did several months of acupuncture. Both women have the most gorgeous babies I've ever seen. 

Meeting them couldn't have come at a better time. Granted, there is more to their stories of course (hopefully I'll be able to post a short video clip soon), but the moral is that miracles do happen, and doctors don't know everything, and acupuncture can be very helpful.

What I've begun to notice in the world of infertility, is that it seems like many doctors make decisions and recommendations based on statistics and age rather than the individual. If you're under 35, in my experience, you're often ignored and told to relax. If you're over 35, you seem to be ushered down the hallway of panic and you're given the most dire prognosis. It doesn't seem like a fair or functioning system, and though the stats exist, each couple has a unique situation that should be catered to. 

Noah and I tried naturally for well over a year. We've tried naturally between bouts of ART, and we've been trying naturally since the Lone Ranger didn't stick. While I know I clearly have an issue with my eggs, I also know that there are people who also have had problems with their eggs and they were able to conceive. It revived my sense of hope a little bit, and reminded me to never stop trying.

What's hard is holding out for that one good egg. I think it can drive a gal total insane wishing/hoping/praying month after month. I've been there, done that. It's exhausting. But talking to these two women this weekend reminded me that I need to be able to hold optimism and hope in one hand, and my back up plan (complete with specific time line) in the other. That's the recipe for being open to and hopeful for a friggin' miracle, yet strategic and calculated if that miracle doesn't happen. Families are made in all kinds of different ways, and there comes a point where getting off IF Island becomes more important than biology or even getting pregnant. It's about creating a family and being a parent. That's what's most important, at least to me, at this juncture.

I guess my point is just that sometimes it just takes time, sometimes it takes alternative medicine, sometimes it takes a simple ART procedure, sometimes it takes major medical intervention, sometimes it takes multiple rounds of IVF, and sometimes it takes third party reproduction. But all the time it takes an open heart and an open mind. It takes being determined yet flexible. It takes advocating for ourselves and doing our own research. It takes trusting our gut instincts and believing that we will hold our baby one day. It takes being reminded that the body changes all the time, and no one person or doctor can ever tell anyone that something is 100% true, because things get disproved all the time. 

I hope to high holy heaven that some miracle happens for all of us out there on IF Island. Eating well, sleeping well...and doing...other things well is what we have immediate control over. Having a plan is what keeps us sane. Sending lots of love and strength.

 

Comments

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Hi Kate. Thanks for sharing your story. Five years is a long time in this game of emotional ping-pong. But it sounds like you have a good back up plan and are actively in it. You will be giving a child an amazing gift, and they in turn will give you the gift of parenthood. That's the goal. We are constantly having to redefine the goals--I get that. It is exhausting and not fair, and you will still hold out hope, but you're so right that once that baby is looking up at you that's all that will matter. Good luck to you and I'm inspired by your strength and determination.

[kate]

I'm reading through your entire blog with bated breath, relating to every bit of your feelings. I was so touched by your line in this particular post that I had to comment.

"...I need to be able to hold optimism and hope in one hand, and my back up plan (complete with specific time line) in the other."

I feel like that's exactly where I'm at right now & it's a little bit of a revelation. My husband & I are going on 5 years of TTC & I've gone back & forth between hope & despair so many times that I've wondered if we can survive another month. It seems fatalistic to give up (and really, impossible - who can legitimately give up on their heart's greatest desire?) but it also seems naive to keep hoping after so many disappointments. I've swung back and forth between the two so many times that it's with a sigh of relief that I agree - yes. Holding on to hope in one hand & the back up plan in the other is where that balance lies.
For us, our current back up plan is to do foster care for 0-3 year olds with the hope of adopting if the circumstances allow it. We just had our last foster care class & are finishing up the home study.
Every time I wonder if this month might be the magical, defying-all-odds month where our bodies actually cooperate, I remind myself that if they (shockingly) don't, there are babies somewhere needing safe homes. My husband and I can provide that safe home as long as needed. I imagine myself in the room my husband's remodeling, holding a baby close, and it doesn't matter who that baby looks like, we'll finally be parents.

Thank you for writing so openly. It's doing my heart good.

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Thanks for commenting The Daily Dose! It does help to be reminded that anything is possible. I remind myself of that every day. Blake--ugh. So much to deal with and consider. I totally get it, just as you think you are going in one direction another possibility pops up. I hope your path becomes clear and that their is a beautiful baby at the end of it! Holly, wow. You're dedicated! I hope your stay here on IF Island is a quick one because yes, it is the crappiest vacay spot EVER! Wishing you all the best. WBC--work all fronts! For sure. Try because that's what is within our control, plan, because that's what makes us think we have control, and remember this crisis will be resolved, some how. I can't BELIEVE that I've been doing this for so long sometimes, and I have to remind myself it won't be forever. Sending much love to all of you and thanks for your kind words!

[WBC]

You really captured in this post how I often feel. My situation is similar to yours- youngish but likely egg quantity/quality problem. On good days I think that one day this is all just going to happen the good old fashioned way. On less-good days, I realize "one day" may be next month, next year, or 5 more years, and I don't think we'll survive 5 more years on IF island. So hence Plans C through X. Nothing wrong with working both fronts, right?

[Holly]

I just spent the last 2.5 hours reading every single entry on your blog and I'm hoping so much for your happy ending to come soon. I just started my journey on infertility island and it's the crappiest vacation spot ever.

[Blake]

I'm getting closer to starting up and trying again, but I just feel like I'm setting myself up again, and not in a good way. Obviously positive thoughts are always needed and negative ones need to be pushed away, but its so freakin hard! We are either going to go donor route and do at home insemination or pay big bucks to have PGD done to ensure that our baby is 1/2 of each of us. Something that I thought was out of the question, but is now back in the realm of possibilities. Being almost 32 I feel like I really do have time, but then again, I'm going to need lots of it. I think about your journey often.

[The Daily Dose]

I needed this post really bad today. Thanks for the important reminder!

Hope on.