Unintended Consequences

My aunt just called me from New York to tell me how proud (surprised) and impressed (relieved) she was that I spent two weeks in the bitter cold without complaining. My aunt has known me since birth, and anyone who knows me since birth knows that I am quite good at complaining. It takes a precise temperature, specific soft fabrics, and exact body alignment for me to be comfortable. My aunt is well aware that wearing layers of itchy wool, having ear muffs pinning my ears down, and feeling my wet boogers drip down my frozen face would normally give me ample things to complain about. But complain I didn't.

I didn't even really think about it at the time. I felt uncomfortable, and it was freaking cold, but I also felt appreciative that we got be away on vacation and that I was able to do and see interesting and beautiful things. I felt grateful for every crisp breath I took and thankful to wrap my frozen fingers around a steaming cup of tea. 

This kind of appreciation is an unintended consequence of going through some real crap. Though my belly is chubbier than it's ever been, I'm appreciative that it doesn't look like this:

(Heather this photo is for you and your bruised belly! I took it on one of my last nights on Lupron).

Though I may not have my baby yet, I know our baby will have a dad who can express his feeling like a normal human being, and a mom who can be more patient than a Buddhist monk sitting under a tree. Okay, the latter is very untrue, but what I'm trying to say is that we all on IF Island have been changed by the experiences we've had to endure, and I am fairly certain that some of these changes have been positive. 

That is my challenge for the rest of the week. Noticing and thinking about any possible positive unintended consequences that have resulted from my three year sequester on IF Island. There's patience, and empathy for others, there's an understanding of the miracle of life, and the appreciation of being alive. There is learning better ways to be good to myself, and there is not complaining about things that are no big deal, like being cold. I don't sweat the small stuff anymore, because there are much bigger things to freak out about! 

Another unintended consequence is the new friends that I have online and in person because of our shared struggle. I've met some of the strongest and most inspiring people on IF Island. This is not to say I'm glad to have gone through all the shit that I have just so I can know y'all, (y'all are great, but....;)) but it is to say that I am truly impressed by the determination and resilience of everyone out there going through this, and I wouldn't have any awareness if I wasn't going through this myself. I thank all of you for reading along and reaching out. It's amazing to be strangers one day and friends the next. 

Though there is PLENTY to complain about, I challenge us all to also consider the things we can feel proud of ourselves for. Sometimes that may be just making it through a few hours without a complete emotional breakdown.There are a lot of dark moments on IF Island, no doubt. I challenge us to think about  all the life lessons or positive changes in our perspective or our personality or our relationships. And I challenge us to think about where we were when we started our journey, and where we are, who we are now. Chances are there has been some growth and some insight.

Comments

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Oh Heather. I'm so...angry to hear your news. I would say sorry but it's not only sorry. It's so unfair and wrong for anyone to go through all the medication and appointments and hope and then have that happen. I get it. I really do. And so do a LOT of people out there. When my embryos fell apart in the dish and we were told there was nothing to transfer I couldn't breathe for a week. It's awful. I'm sending so much love and healing and strength. You will find your baby. Baby will find you. Take care of yourself.
R and T and F--thanks for your kind words. I know staying positive is hard---trust me I know. But I'm grateful for you guys for following along and always impressed by the strength and heart of everyone out there going through this.
KB--right on the money, as always. So sorry you got crap news over the holidays. UGH!!! Real Housewives it up, for as long as you need to! Letting go and remembering this will one day be in the past is all we can do some times. Much love.

[Heather]

They cancelled my cycle this morning. Trying hard to stay positive......

[F]

I just wanna say I think ur strong. I'm struggling with infertility and I'm just losing it. I feel so down about myself and crippled and worst when I know how much my husband wants to be a father and I can't give him kids. After so many failures involving surgeries, I just feel so demotivated and don't know how to get back up again. I'm just amaze at seeing how ur coping although our hearts are broken the same way. I think of u as an inspiration when I'm feeling low about myself. Thanks for blogging.

[T from Fruitful Furbishing]

Whew! Definitely needed to hear/be reminded of this. So so true. Thank you!

[KB]

I am so happy for you. I know that sounds weird, maybe, but- it's just that the one thing IF teaches us Type A-ers is that we simply can only control so much. There is a weird sense of calm that comes with "giving up" (which also sounds weird because i don't mean "giving up" in the traditional sense). "Giving up" the "i am going to cling to this as hard as I can and it has to go a certain way or I won't have my family" is one of the hardest parts. You are instead saying "I WILL have my family, and I am giving up on the idea that I have to know RIGHT NOW exactly how that will happen." It is maddening but also a certain sense of freedom.

I am being a bit unfair because I am currently struggling, just as you are, to MAINTAIN that mindset, as our first FET failed, and we got the call two days after Christmas. During the two week wait, I spent so much time bracing myself for what I thought would be a knock-down drag-out fit of rage, tears, etc (which is what I have done after every other failed IUI, after STARTING ivf, after going to a baby shower, the list goes on) and instead I just got super sad and then... gave up. Didn't give up on our family, didn't give up on the dream- gave up the control.

That being said, it still sucks, doesn't it? All of it? ALL. OF. IT. But to be able to have the perspective you have and know how to even look away from it for a moment to notice everything else that is going on that is beautiful and amazing... even if you do that for a two week trip to New York, or even if it's just for 10 minutes of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills (now you probably think I'm a horrible person) it reminds us we are STILL HERE as you said. And seeing your perspective evolve in this blog has been SO INSPIRING to me.

Just a really long way to say thank you for that- and to say you aren't alone.
K

[R]

Hi there, I've been stalking for a few weeks and couldn't agree with your outlook more. I gave myself this challenge a few months ago and wrote down my "lessons learned from IF" beyond just the science. I realize that in my struggle, I've really grown as a person and discovered things about myself that I didn't know before.

Your blog is great, btw! You're able to articulate many of my sentiments, so thank you for keeping up with it! Wishing you the best.

[Heather]

Why isn't there an edit button for comments??!!! LOOKS!!
:)

[Heather]

At first my stomach looked like it had freckles, now it looked like I've been kicked by a chihuahua...hard!!! Thanks for the photo....ugh. Although it sucks, it's nice to know I'm not alone.
I woke up at 5am with a pounding headache and the first thing I wanted to do was whine and get upset and frustrated. A little voice told me this was my choice and that I wanted this..and basically to suck it up.
So, thats what I'm going to do. :)
I'm so thankful for your post today, I needed it!