Today I'm planning on hanging out with a friend who just had a baby. I like what someone recently commented about like attracting like, and making a point to surround herself with what she longed for--babies. Some times I can do that, and it feels great. Last week, another friend of mine came to visit with her new baby, and Noah and I had a fabulous time playing and giggling with him. But sometimes I just want to avoid it--all of it. Sometimes it brings up such strong feelings of...unfairness, it's hard to take a deep breath. This duality is why it is also so hard for other people to know where we're at, and it's what contributes to feeling left out and isolated. Many of us are in such a hard spot socially, and it's nobody's fault. It's just a crappy situation.
I was trying to think about how I can separate myself and our situation from others good fortune in a way that will allow me to not feel twinges of anger or resentment. Negativity doesn't serve anybody, and yet it's natural to have these thoughts and feelings.
I started thinking that some of this comes down to the idea of being deserving. Not in the sense that others don't deserve to get pregnant and be parents (though I can name a few people that could easily fit into this category), but that we who have been suffering, who have been working SO hard and putting SO much time and effort and emotion and money into trying to make a baby, deserve one too. So when someone announces they got pregnant "again," or "by accident," it's sometimes hard for us on IF Island to share in the joy. It's not that only people who suffer deserve a baby, it just reminds us of how long and hard our journey has been, and brings up the fear of not knowing when and how it is going to end. We do deserve to have something work for us too. Life just doesn't always work that way.
Noah and I were talking about this yesterday as we rode bikes along the beach. We came up with the analogy that being on IF Island is sometimes like being a dog who has just gotten fixed and has to wear one of those sad white cones over his head so that he doesn't gnaw at his wound and break open his stitches. He needs that barrier to allow himself to heal. When Noah and I are in our little safety zone together, when we have tunnel vision and can just live our lives with a little bit of a boundary between us and the fertile world, I feel like we can heal a little faster. It gets harder when our cone barrier gets permeated and we are reminded of how long and terrible our struggle has been. But we can't live like that, in a cone. At least not all the time.
I find that if I can consciously protect myself and make a choice not to re-open a healing wound, then I have more power and I can participate more in feeling acceptance or joy with other people or for other people. If I can separate what we are going through from others, then I can remember that I love babies and do want to be a part of new ones coming into the world. If I can be more aware of all the things I have in my life that I can feel grateful for, then I can remember I am a very lucky person in a lot of ways. It can be hard, and is not always possible. Sometime we have to go out and buy a super sturdy steel cone with chains and locks and blinders. I understand. Sometimes protecting your heart is all that matters. But perhaps we can also try to focus on healing regardless of what triggers the outside world throws at us. Perhaps we can learn to be more comfortable with the uncertainty of when this difficult process will end by constantly reminding ourselves that it will. Eventually. Perhaps we can fully accept that our path to parenthood is a bit more complicated than others, and that there will be lessons learned that will serve us in some way.
Wishing everyone a happy, healing Sunday!
Natasha--That is a lot of unfair for one gal to handle! Can you AVOID your husband's ex?! Ugh. I'm sorry. I hope you can find ways to take care of yourself and remember that your time will come. Davy--you're so right in focusing on blessings. I try to do that all day, every day now. I wish I could get paid for each blessing I count :) Sending lots of love to both of you. Thanks for sharing.
Posted by: Don't Count Your Eggs | February 25, 2014 at 12:51 PM
I would also like to add that I am a stepmother of a 5 year old old girl. She is very sweet :)
My husbands ex wife just had a baby boy and rubs it in my face at any opportunity. She likes to point out her strong genes and ask me if I am ever going to have children. This makes me angry and obviously I can't really answer back. I think being a stepmother makes it a bit harder for me. Being the "non mother, mother" if that makes sense
Posted by: Natasha | February 25, 2014 at 11:58 AM
I can totally relate to your first paragraph; sometimes it is great to be around kids, but other times you just want to run away. I usually can't tell which one it will be until after the fact.
It's so easy to get feel that life isn't fair, because it isn't. In my experience, thinking about who does and doesn't deserve a baby only increases my pain. In those moments, I need to focus on the blessings I have been given, such as uninterrupted time with my husband.
Posted by: Davy @ The Sea of TTC | February 25, 2014 at 11:56 AM
I too am dealing with the successive steps of trying to conceive. I am 34 so I feel that I don't really have time on my side either. To top it off my sister just announced her accidental second pregnancy with her on off boyfriend. I can't tell you how annoyed it makes me when my mother, who now feels sorry for me, and my pregnant sister tell me to just relax!! My medical insurance doesn't cover anything infertility related which just adds salt. It is nice to know you are not alone. Thank you for writing this blog. It means a lot to read other people's experiences.
Posted by: Natasha | February 25, 2014 at 11:50 AM