There is so much that can trigger an emotional breakdown on IF Island. There are obvious triggers: another baby announcement, listening to a prego complain, or even the sight of a stroller. And there are not so obvious triggers: a certain song, the "lucky" socks you wore the day of your embryo transfer that turned out to be not so lucky, or a gray day. Sometimes little or unexpected things can throw you into a tizzy when you least expect it.
And it sucks.
I've been doing really well lately. With an embryo donation on the horizon and a determination to keep trying the old fashioned way, I've been able to be hopeful yet realistic. But sometimes something will happen that sends me into a downward spiral and brings out all the frustration and resentment that has accumulated over the past few years. Sometimes I don't even realize I've been triggered until I'm in tears and spewing nonsense to Noah, or laying in bed agonizing over all my fears about the next process.
This week I identified that one of my triggers is when someone says, "how exciting!" when they learn about the next step of our process. I know there is love and support and well intention behind that statement, but it makes me want to gouge my own eyes out and scream, "EXCITING?! There is nothing about ANY of this that is exciting!!! Waiting another several months, then going on an insane drug that gives me migraines and makes my brain and my reproductive system shut down so that we can spend another $10k and fly to another state to have some couple's left over embryo jammed into my uterus for a chance at making a baby is not exciting!" But I don't. I nod and smile and realize that I am hyper-sensitive to language and I try to let it go. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. But being aware that this phrase is one of my triggers helps to deactivate its potency. If I know a button is getting pressed, my rational self is more likely to be able to intervene with my emotional self to keep the situation under control.
Sometimes triggers can be totally unrelated to infertility. Sometimes when you're just coming off of a disappointing cycle and the left over hormones are brewing a nasty stew in your blood and you're exhausted and fed up and confused and sad and angry and broke, something small, like spilling beet juice on a fresh white T-shirt or something super annoying, like waking up to a completely broken refrigerator, (yeah, both those things happened to me this week) can set of an emotional explosion. (I did keep my cool but it was SUPER annoying!) Because many of us are operating from a more intense baseline of stress and anxiety, we may be more susceptible to being thrown off balance. For many of us on IF Island, it's as if there are little fuses wedged into the healing cracks of our broken hearts that can easily ignite and set off a major bomb if we are triggered.
That's why it's so important to take good care of ourselves and to be patient and kind and loving towards ourselves. It's important to be aware of what sets us off, and to try to get a little space to be able to respond rather than react. To be able to remind ourselves that people mean well, they just don't get it, and that we're okay. It's totally normal to be carrying around remnants of our past hurt. And it's normal that the hurt will bubble up from time to time. But if we can make conscious decisions in how we deal with it, if we can start to feel the physical sensation of our blood begin to boil and then tell ourselves a hundred times over that we will be parents one day, then maybe, just maybe we can avert a catastrophe. Maybe we can focus our energy elsewhere for a moment. Or maybe we just need to cry it out, and that's okay too. The intensity of feelings will pass and we will regain our strength, and we will forever be more empathic towards others, and perhaps that's a good thing.
Hoping everyone has a trigger-free weekend full of fun and peaceful things.
Hi Mel. It's all hard and what happens in the fertile world can be really upsetting at times. I always remind myself that nothing stays the same. Feelings, situations--always in constant flux. Though it sounds like you're in a bit of a tough space right now, I do hope it changes for you soon. But I totally get that feeling. Sending you lots of love.
Posted by: Don't Count Your Eggs | March 10, 2014 at 11:51 AM
The first two lines of this post had me in tears. You sound so much more together than I have been this last while. I'm in a stage where I have trouble looking at a baby. Thank-you for this post. And for this blog.
Posted by: Mel | March 09, 2014 at 08:16 PM
Oh Cheryl, I'm sending you a big virtual bouquet of flowers, box of my homemade oatmeal cookies, and a card that says I'm sorry you're in this crappy place and I hope the exile on IF Island ends soon! When you've been in this jam for as long a we have people forget how to care. I hope you have some friends who can show you some love and you know you have a lot of support from the amazing online warriors! It sucks. It all sucks. But it's great that you can be aware of this trigger and treat yourself to something special at those especially tough moments.
Posted by: Don't Count Your Eggs | February 25, 2014 at 05:23 PM
I had an unforeseen trigger the other day. My MIL found a lump in her breast in Jan. She had it biopsied, removed, and 1 week of radiation treatment, all within 2 months of finding that lump. She's done. Cured. Right as rain. The amount of support she has gotten from immediate family in those 2 months has been astounding. Meals made for her, requests to accompany her to appts, endless visits, cards, flowers, etc... Now let me clarify, I am thrilled that things had worked out as they did and she is cancer free. I also don't begrudge her any of the support she received. But... It triggered the realization over how little support I have received from this same family throughout my "battle." Four years of constant poking & prodding, countless invasive exams, several surgeries, and devastating heartbreak month after month without any "cure" in sight. Despite my openness with where we're at with our treatment, I get no cards, no flowers, no meals... I rarely even get a phone call every once in awhile to see how I'm holding up. It is disheartening. The pain suffered within the infertility community is so trivialized, even to those who know someone in it.
Posted by: Cheryl | February 25, 2014 at 03:35 PM
Hi Ladies! It seems like some of you can relate to this post. Davy, I'm glad you feel more empathic. I do too and I think that helps us be better people and will help us to be more sensitive mothers:) Heather--I'm so sorry to hear about your friend, shutting you out like that. (And about your AMH :( I had a similar situation a LONG time ago where a prego friend told me the news and said, "deal with it however you need to," and that was it. There was no attempt at being supportive or talking it through. I felt very pushed away. It seems like Tami has felt this too--left out. And it sucks. Other people often don't know the "right" thing to do or the best way to handle the situation, or us. I agree Tami that I'm so lucky to even have embryo donation as an option and am very grateful to have found a good match for us. I'm more the type who gets the actual feeling of excitement when I go on an awesome vacation, so maybe I need to work on that :) Rebecca, so true that the flood gates can...well, flood. It's important to find ways to let our feeling out gradually, but it's hard. Thanks for sharing everyone!
Posted by: Don't Count Your Eggs | February 23, 2014 at 08:54 AM
To say or not to say is the question. I think it's tough for people around us to find the "right" words. Those of us who suffer through this nightmare need the unconditional love of those around us. What hurt me in my experience was not being included in friends baby showers or to be a part of their happiness. When I confronted them they would say "I didn't know what to say to you". They were right... I was a mess. I made them feel uncomfortable and like they had to walk on egg shells around me without even knowing that's what I was doing.
I remembered like attracts like and decided to surround myself with what I longed for myself. Avoiding or scowling at anything baby related didn't serve me or my purpose.
Maya and I say this with all the love in the world:
It is exciting that there is even an option to get a donor embryo. Of course the process isn't exciting. But the prospect is. The hope is....
Posted by: Tami | February 21, 2014 at 10:22 PM
I think because this is such a long process that often times we have to bottle our emotions or at least push them down for a bit or we would be a mess all the time! But then we do finally hit a trigger I find that it is quite a rush of emotion and the flood gates open. It can really make a sane person feel like a wreck.
Heather I'm so sorry, this is such a lonesome thing to go through without friends jumping ship. I hope she reconsiders.
Posted by: Rebecca | February 21, 2014 at 08:43 PM
Wow. I needed this post. Last week my BFF of 25 years not only told me she was pregnant (amh .46, low ovarian reserve, endometriosis, FSH 11)but she also told me she didn't think it was a good idea for us to talk for awhile because she didn't want to have to worry about me getting my feelings hurt...TRIGGER....and today I just got results that my AMH has dropped from 1.6 to 1.1 and they think I will have the same results as my last cancelled cycle.
sadface
Posted by: Heather | February 21, 2014 at 03:20 PM
I think you are right about infertility making us more empathetic to others. Because I realize how innocent comments can hurt me, I am trying to be more intentional about my own comments to others. Thanks for sharing!
Posted by: Davy S | February 21, 2014 at 09:57 AM