Every day I try to make sense out of the situation we're in. If I sit and think about how I have spent my entire thirties trying to make a baby, it just doesn't make sense to me. I'm turning 34 in April.
Though I feel stronger and better than I have in a long time, I do have moments where I think, how have we gone through all this loss and disappointment? How have we gone through multiple rounds of fertility treatments with nothing but 10 lbs and a dwindling savings account to show for it? How is it possible that my beautiful, generous sister donated her eggs to us and it didn't work? How are we still standing, and how does Noah still look so damn handsome?
We just have. It just is. We just are. (And he just is so damn handsome!) We woke up each day and put our pants on one leg at a time. We kissed good morning and good night and reminded each other to focus on this things we do have rather than the things we don't. And we sat with the hurt and the sad, and we gave our hearts time to heal. And we mustered up the courage to try again. And we sat and healed and got back up, again. Wash, rinse, repeat.
Because that's what you do when you want something so bad you'll do anything to get it.
When it's just Noah and me in the vortex we've created, everything feels fine. We aren't behind in terms of developmental milestones, we aren't crazy for trying all that science and technology has to offer, we aren't broken. We're just two people who love each other a lot and want a family. It gets harder when the outside world starts to seep in and we are reminded of how much of our lives have been consumed by this. How much of our time and energy and emotional, physical and financial resources have been spent on this. And it's hard. The world exists and we have to live in it. And this is the hand we've been dealt.
So instead of trying to make sense of a situation that makes no sense, I remind myself that no one said life was going to be fair. I accept that this journey makes no sense right now. Maybe it will one day, but until then it just doesn't. It's long and exhausting and ridiculous. But it's our journey. Each one of us on IF Island is navigating through some challenging terrain, but we will find the end of this excursion and the beginning of a new one. We will. We just have to keep on trekking.
Wishing everyone out there so much love and strength to keep moving forward. There will be setbacks, there will be losses, but somewhere out there is the family you've always dreamed of. Keep on fighting!
Claire-- what a roller coaster to get a BFP and then have it come crashing down on you that same day! I'm so sorry. It's so painful and doesn't make any sense. And it doesn't make any sense for Sarah either--but we focus on what we can, as Davy says, being thankful for what we have rather than focusing on what we want. I wish you guys so much strength. We have to believe our happy ending is out there--some where, some day hopefully soon.
Posted by: Don't Count Your Eggs | February 20, 2014 at 09:40 PM
Wow I've just been reading your blog and I feel your pain and understand on some kinda level how you feel.I find the day to day pain so hard but the why me is the hardest to cope with.I had 2 cycles last year both ended in total fertilisation failure and no reason why!!! 26 eggs on the icsi and 23 eggs on my 1st ivf cycle the doctors are baffled as I am very blessed to have a beautiful 5 yr old son concieved naturally with my husband.I can understand people saying you're lucky you have one but there's still a deep hole in my heart desperate for another .I guess the knowing how amazing it is to concieve and have a child leaves me begging for number 2. With no rhyme or reason were just hoping whatever may have changed between us changes back one of these days but the waiting wondering and longing are sometimes just too hard.i hope we end up with a happy ending keep up the royal jelly I think there's something in it I've been taking it for 2 months now and I need to believe it's doing some good!!!! Sending luck your way xx
Posted by: Sarah | February 20, 2014 at 04:56 PM
Maya, things do not happen for a reason. We can't believe that they do, it's so hard to live in the now when all we are doing is hoping and wishing for something else. It does feel lonely, it really kind of sucks. Thank you for writing these posts.
My journey has changed a bit since I've last posted... I went through IVF and had 9 eggs retrieved and 9 fertilized!! It was so exciting! We had 2 transferred and I had a positive beta the same day I started bleeding. It was devastating. The good news is that we have 4 frozen and we will be doing a natural frozen transfer in 2 cycles. I am really trying to stay positive, but it feels like if it didn't work last time, why will it this time? I know I'm lucky to be able to do this, financially, physically, and remembering that I'm strong enough emontially to handle it.
We can do this.
Posted by: Claire | February 19, 2014 at 04:53 PM
Maya, I think you are right that we cannot "make sense" of infertility. It doesn't make sense or seem fair. My husband and I are with you guys in reminding each other to be thankful for what we have rather than focusing on what we want. Thanks for the post!
Posted by: Davy | February 19, 2014 at 10:28 AM