The Sadness of Secrecy

I've met a few people lately who have told me that they haven't told anyone, including their family, about their infertility struggles. Some of these people feel it's a private issue, others are afraid of what other people might think, some people are ashamed. I respect each individual couples' decision on what or how much they want to share. But it makes me feel so sad to think that on top of all the heartache on IF Island, many people feel like they have to hide their pain, which may lead to feeling more isolated. Or perhaps worse, that they feel there is shame in what they are going through.

I understand it. I do. Baby making blues are not the best dinner conversation topic. Since Noah and I have been SO open about our experience, it often invites all kinds of...weirdness. People not knowing what to say, people avoiding us, people giving unhelpful advice. Perhaps we are being judged about our choices--that part I'm not sure about, because I don't care. No one has the right to judge us and what we are going through, that's just my humble opinion. For the most part, people in our lives have been supportive, and we appreciate that.

My heart goes out to those who don't feel supported. I wish there was a way for me to erase some of the stigma that sometimes accompanies this awful predicament we are all in. There is nothing to be embarrassed about. We did nothing wrong. Male factor infertility does not make you less of a man. Female factor infertility does not make any of us less of a woman. It's terribly unfair that these feelings sometimes get wrapped into a medical diagnosis.

The definition of shame is: a painful feeling of humiliation or distress caused by the consciousness of wrong or foolish behavior. We on IF Island have done nothing wrong. I have to repeat that. We've done nothing wrong or foolish. There have been times I've felt broken, and like this is all my fault because it's my body that isn't doing what it's supposed to. There have been times I've felt humiliated just for being hopeful and thinking something will work, and then it doesn't. There have been moments where I was embarrassed after our first IVF ended without even a transfer of embryos. I was embarrassed that I told people we were doing IVF and that I didn't even consider the cycle could essentially get cancelled. WHY WAS I EMBARRASSED AND HUMILIATED? I did NOTHING wrong! And yet I do remember these feelings. 

We have to constantly remind ourselves that there is nothing shameful about struggling to make a baby. It's sad and it sucks and it's unfair and painful...and SO many other things, but it is not anything to be ashamed of. Surviving the day to day of this insanity, facing our fears, bouncing back after huge disappointment and loss, being determined and pushing forward instead of giving up, learning and loving and letting go--that is what happens on IF Island, and those are all things to be proud of. 

In the spirit of breaking some of the silence and secrecy about infertility, I wanted to share that there is a special night of theater, a Dramedy if you will, called HUSH. It's playing for one night only in LA at the Hudson theater on February 25th. It's monologues and music and is supposed to be great. Even better, it's  a benefit for Baby Quest Foundation. 

Let's start erasing the stigma. Let's break some of the silence about infertility. Let's be proud of what we've endured and how we are willing to keep fighting to create our families. 

Comments

[katie]

This is so, so true. I absolutely agree that there is so much strength and support in sharing. I love the idea of this theatre. Wish there was one out this way on the East Coast. Maybe someday.

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Veronica--welcome to the blog, and thanks for sharing. Congrats on your belly and I appreciate you being vocal about how you got it. It's a great way to make people more aware of the struggles many of us go through to create our family, and a really wonderful way to support others.
Jackie--you're so right on! But I would lose any game of 20 questions for a dislocated knee. It's just hard for people to know what to say or do, and it's too bad. The more we talk about it and normalize fertility struggles, perhaps the more others can be more understanding. Best to both of you!

[Verónica Miño]

Hi Maya, I just found out about your blog throught Fertility Authority, it's great and encouraging.
I've been through 3 cycles of Omifin, four rounds of IUI and one IVF which fortunately turn out to be the lucky one (we're 28 weeks pregnant now).
About your post, all I can say is that every time someone, just about anyone, asks about my round belly or my baby, I tell them that this is an IVF baby I've struggled for, a precious child, as they say. Why do I always do this? beause I want people to know that there's no shame in being infertile, yes, but especially because I want them to know that if they are going through the same nightmare I went through, they can come to me for encouragment, some basic knowledge or just a hug. I wish everyone would do the same, we could do so much together if this was not a terrible secret to keep...

[Jackie]

Maya,
Good post. I think about this all the time, too. It's fine to discuss a dislocated knee for example and people will ask 20 questions and sympathize. Not so much with infertility, even though the pain is much worse. I am glad you are so open! Oh, and that play sounds great. I will even be in Southern CA on vacation then with my husband, but we probably will be out of LA at that point heading to AZ. :(
Jackie