The Toll IF Takes on a Relationship

I came across this article about IVF and separation rates through infertility blogger Amy Klein on Twitter, and all I can say is, "NOOOOOO!!!!"

The first line of the article is, "Danish researchers found couples who have a rocky patch because of failed IVF treatment are three times more likely to end up separating than those who do become parents."

So in a nut shell, you struggle with infertility, you don't get the outcome you want, and then you get separated? Like I said, "NOOOOOOO!!!!!!"

Assisted Reproductive Technologies are stressful. Many of us have read that research shows stress levels of women going through infertility are equivalent to that of women with a terminal illness. There are mental and emotional stressors. There is the physical stress on our bodies and the logistical stress (for lack of a better word) of going through the process of an IVF cycle, with all the appointments and scheduled shots. We all know infertility treatments can essentially become a second job, so if you already have a job, then an unwelcomed second one can significantly add to the stress factor. There is stress in making decisions. There is stress on not making decisions. There is stress in the waiting process. There is stress going through  the grief and loss, of a BFN or a miscarriage. There is loss and compromise around letting go of specific hopes and dreams for a biological child or the ability to carry. And of course there is the extreme financial stress.  Add social isolation and a ton of hormones injected straight to the gut and you've got a hot mess waiting to happen.

It's very normal that these conditions may cause some wear and tear on a relationship, but it's also possible for the challenges to draw a couple closer.

No relationship is perfect. Noah and I have had our share of disagreements. Sometimes I feel like the distribution of "work" is uneven. Sometimes we don't feel the same way about what the next best move is. Sometimes I'm emotional and obsessive and he's not, which makes both of us annoyed for different reasons. Sometimes he gets to have a beer and a big bowl of ice cream while I'm eating my third yam of the day and drinking some dirt tea my acupuncturist concocted. Sometimes I feel guilty that it's my ovarian dysfucntion that has led to this exile on IF Island. There are so many feelings and anxieties that float around like little rain clouds, ready to dump water on both of us all the time.

But one thing I can say is that somehow, Noah and I are closer than ever. We remind ourselves and each other that we are on the same team, always, and that it is nobody's fault that we are in this situation. It's just something that happened to us, so we're dealing with it. My responsibility to myself and our marriage is to learn ways to cope with the stress. To find activities, like yoga or a walking on the beach, that help ground me and help me find some peace and calm. His responsibility is to be supportive, always. To not eat things I can't eat in front of me, and to encourage and praise my discipline when I have some. His job is to recognize that my body takes most of the hit, and he appreciates that and is patient with mood swings or irrational behaviors. And both of us try our best to communicate without judgment. Feeling are always valid, even if they're not logical. We know that now. So we respect the feelings, and try to sort through the crazy and the sad and the hurt and the fear, and we talk about it. We also remember that we express our feelings in very different ways, and that's ok too. 

And we both constantly remind each other it won't be like this forever. It won't. We will get through this. So we try to live our lives the best we can, designate times to NOT talk about IT, and distract ourselves with whatever we can. It takes work and effort. It's not easy when we aren't on the same page or when we feel disconnected. Finding ways to connect and to laugh and to feel love and gratitude for each other is key.

Hoping everyone out there finds ways to share love and be loved. IF Island is a rough place to live, we need each other and our partners more than ever! 

Comments

[Davy S]

I am glad to learn that other couples stay focused on being a team. I am very open to adoption, so I'm not sure how far I want to go in the testing/treatment process. Since most of the tests and procedures are done on me, we have an agreement: if the doctors recommend a procedure for me that my husband wouldn't be willing to endure, I will not have it done. We plan to go to each appointment together and come to a consensus on every recommendation.

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

I'm so glad to hear that the opposite of this article can also be true. That IF can make a couple closer and stronger and that it helps us all appreciate our significant others in a deeper way than we ever imagined. Courtney, I'm sorry for your bad news. It is NOT your fault, your Hubs is right. Glad he always has your back.

[Cheryl]

Great post!! Struggling with infertility forces couples to examine priorities in life and come to an agreement about complex and life changing decisions . It's certainly not for the faint of heart. Changing personalities and perspectives along the way is another huge hurdle. I know women who have the stance "I will have a child no matter what" but unfortunately that can mean without their spouse on board. My husband will always be my priority and I his. I'm not saying that works for everyone, but it has been our grounding point. And when I start to feel the envy creeping when around my friends with kids, I remind myself that I have something enviable in my life too. Infertility has tried and tested our marriage in every way. I know we'll make it, no matter what. That isn't something a lot of couples definitively know. Best of luck to everyone out there!!

[Courtney]

Great post! We just got news two days ago that our FET had failed. It's very easy for me to have those thoughts of guilt/shame (like this is all my fault) but my husband reminds me that he has my back and we are in together always. Hope you have a great weekend!

[Blake]

My hubby and I have been together since high school, this year will be our 10 year anniversary, and I will say too, that obviously, our marriage has had its share of arguments, but at the end of the day, even the hardest of days, we are best friends. The very best of friends. I would venture to guess that those that went through fertility issues (or any other issue) were not at the very core of their relationship best of friends. I recently said on FB that marriage is like one long slumber party. Minus the frozen bra. He wouldn't dare do that to me. :)

[Remagineit]

Great article! I consider myself lucky that my wife and I are closer than ever after going through some major life experiences. All relationships require work but it takes even more work when experiencing things like IF because it affects everything: work, social, finance, mental health, physical health, etc...