Six doctors.
$10,000 in medication.
The patience to go through multiple inseminations.
One great acupuncturist.
A zillion bottles of herbs.
A sister willing to try and give you her eggs.
Parents to wipe your tears when that doesn't work.
A community of people who understand exactly what you're going through.
An incredible husband who will stand on the side lines as you try to make a baby.
More patience.
Hope.
Flexibility.
Determination.
The absolute core belief that you will be a parent.
What am I missing? This has been the recipe for my attempt to build a family so far. It hasn't quite yielded anything delicious. Yet. Maybe we just need to add the one last ingredient I've been shopping for: A generous couple willing to donate their left over embryos.
Once upon a time, my husband and I set out to make a family. I was young-ish and naive, and believed that two people who loved each other could have sex and make a baby. Five ART procedures and close to four years later I know better. Or I know that that plan doesn't work for everybody. That for many people (around 7.3 million women and their partners in the U.S. alone), the baby making process is a lot more complicated and seems like the farthest thing from "making love."
Making a baby, or trying to make a baby, has become stressful and painful for many of us. It's become confusing and frustrating, cold and clinical. It can feel depersonalized and manufactured. It involves way WAY too many people, and is totally and utterly emotionally exhausting.
I know a lot of people with romantic conception stories. (Why anyone shares these stories is beyond me, but they do). An accidental drunken night, in a tent under the stars, in a hotel in Costa Rica...it makes me laugh a little. Our conception story is going to be novel length and hopefully end with me flying to another state to have an anonymous frozen embryo jammed into my uterus. Hopefully Noah can be with me, but if he can't it actually is something I could do alone. Just like when my sister donated her eggs and Noah was collecting his "sample," I realized I could very well be sitting at home watching TV as my baby was possibly getting created.
It's kind of crazy and amazing to think about.
Today I want to get back to the root of all of this, because it truly is love. Underneath all the cold, clinical experiences we have to endure to try and build our family, there is so much love. The love we have for our child-to-be, the love we have for others going through this, the love our own families have for us as they experience the heartbreak and disappointments with us. The love we have for ourselves--because we should love and respect and cherish ourselves and our bodies, always. And of course the love we have for our partners.
Making a family starts and ends with love. Sometimes those of us on IF Island get a little lost during the journey--the difficult process it has become. But let's try to reconnect to that love today. Reminding ourselves of all we have to be thankful for, and all the love we have in our lives.
Sending so much love to everyone out there this Valentine's Day!
So terrific. It takes so much for some of us, a whole lotta love to start…and then the village after that. Thank you for another terrific, comforting post. I've been blogging my "feelings" over at my own infertility blog, if you'd like to take a look. Happy thoughts to all of you!! http://www.theunpregnant.com
Posted by: Camryn | February 17, 2014 at 05:28 AM
Beautifully written post. Sending prayers your way. Don't give up on your dream. Keep up the positive vibes. Thank you for sharing.
Posted by: Leisha | February 16, 2014 at 12:23 PM
Thanks so much ladies! There is totally witchcraft and wizardry involved Paula!
Samantha, I hope you're right about this year! Your support and well wishes are so appreciated! Good luck to you both.
Posted by: Don't Count Your Eggs | February 15, 2014 at 08:27 PM
Addictively reading your blog, beautifully written and probably the only "real, feelings and all" blog I have read. I am also (with the assistance of WAY too many people and WAY too many times having to show my private areas to others!!) trying to make a baby (I now think that witchcraft and wizardry are involved!!) and have felt this blog has shown in real terms the emotional roller coaster it is.
Keep writing! I hope you reach your destination soon. Lots of love xx
Posted by: Paula | February 15, 2014 at 01:21 AM
Thinking about you doll, and sending baby dust and vibes your way. I have to believe this is your year, or something is quite wrong with the Universe!!! Just keep all your energy positively focused on the end goal. *hugs*
Posted by: Samantha | February 14, 2014 at 06:01 PM