We are Not Alone

I just read This LA TIMES online article about how more than 1.5% of babies born in the U.S. in 2012 were conceived in a lab. The article states, "The 379 fertility clinics that are members of SART performed a total of 165,172 procedures in 2012, resulting in the births of 61,740 babies." 

That's a lot of babies! And that is only what is being reported. That doesn't include all the people out there going through infertility who maybe get an IUI with their gyno or who decide on adoption or living child-free.

A few things stood out to me: 

1) The number of procedures done is MUCH HIGHER than the number of live births (over 100,000 higher). What that says to me is heartbreak and disappointment 100,000 times over.

2) ART does work for many people, and it is not abnormal to use the science we have to make a baby.

3) WE ARE NOT ALONE!

There are so many people who are struggling to make a family. While that doesn't make it better for any of us, it is a reminder that there is nothing we did wrong. We are not being punished. We are not any less worthy of being parents. It is just harder for some than others. There are medical conditions that negatively impact fertility, especially diagnoses like mine of diminished ovarian reserve. And there is technology that can hopefully help. And if not, there are other ways to become parents.

We are all living out a slightly different version of the same story, and regardless of what works in the end, the emotional experience is very similar. We can relate to each other's sadness and frustration. We know the disappointment of a BFN or the moment Aunt Flow comes back to town, yet again. We know the very specific feeling of having to grieve the loss of something that could have been but never was. And we know how to pick ourselves off the floor, get grounded, and stand tall again, ready to face the next hurdle head on, with grace and dignity and determination. We know we need to appreciate all that we do have in our lives, and we know we can never NEVER feel ashamed to be hopeful.

So why does it feel so lonely on IF Island?

The last statistic I read was 7.3 million people in the U.S. end up on IF Island, yet a common theme is isolation. I feel it. I get it. I've done what I can to build a little community here and have a few new friends to talk to, but wanting something so badly and not being able to get it some how can make a person feel totally alone. Maybe it's the sense of longing that creates a distance between us and the world. Maybe it's feeling misunderstood. Maybe it's the gap that's created when someone says "just relax," or "stop trying so hard and it will  happen,"  or "why don't you just adopt?" It may take all our efforts not to punch people in the face at these moments, but we need to find ways to just let those comments go and immediately find others who do understand us. 

There are many places to find support and connection. One site I recently came across is Fertility Authority, which is a great hub of all things infertility. There's Stirrup-Queens, which has lots of good info, as well as a pretty comprehensive list of blogs broken down by category. And then there is the upcoming Fertility Planit conference in LA (at UCLA in April,  use promo code FPVIP for 20% off admission) where leading experts in the field of fertility will be speaking, and tons of fertility related information will be presented. I'll be there on a panel with Baby Quest Foundation.

For many of us, the online community has been really helpful, and a really safe place to share feelings and learn. I wish there were more in person ways we can feel connected. One thing I've done that has helped is to do my best to connect to myself, my body, and my thoughts. Through yoga and through slowing down and really trying to understand my own fears and worries, I've gained insight into how I deal with disappointment. It's helping me learn better ways to sit with painful emotions so I can better handle the unfairness of life. I've also tried to work harder at connecting to those I love--my family, my sister, my husband. Strengthening the connections we do have can only help. 

Hope everyone out there can find a way to stay connected and feel understood. And sending a reminder that we are definitely not alone!

Comments

[Pria]

Thanks Maya, I am a beginner in this island and am about to get my first IUI. I had this nagging thought that is using ART ok for me? Maybe if i cannot conceive naturally, its not meant to be.. then suddenly the thought of my specs popped up..i have been wearing specs since age 3 with high power..an ART procedure is just like that- science helping us. This blog is an immense morale-booster..sending all love from India :)
(speaking of India, do you know that your name is derived from an Indian-Sanskrit word..)