Creating Family History

My Mother-in-Law is really into genealogy. She's been researching her ancestry for a while and is planning a trip to the East Coast with one of her sisters to retrace some family roots. After speaking to her on the phone last night, I hung up and wondered, if our upcoming embryo donation works, would our child be part of this genealogy? How might our child feel having no genetic roots to anyone? Would he (I'll stick with he only because he/she becomes too confusing) feel different or excluded if he has cousins who do? Coming from an anonymous egg and anonymous sperm means tracing his own genealogy might never be possible, does a genetic link even matter? 

I'm not sure what the answers are, but these are the kinds of questions that often come up for couples dealing with third party reproduction. Perhaps there are some similar discussions to be had when considering adoption, though with open adoption, the child will often have more answers about where they came from. It's not really about coming up with answers, it's about being willing to engage in conversation about all the possibilities, and to prepare for ways to respond that fits for your child and your family.  I recently learned the term "birth other," coined by psychologist Diane Ehrensaft, to refer to an anonymous person who donates a part of themselves to help a child come to be. I'm not sure how I feel about this term. I think I prefer donor, than birth anything, but right now Noah and I are just learning the language and exploring what it all may mean. 

In my heart I feel that whatever child we end up with will be ours. 100%. We will love that child and help him navigate through any questions that arise, especially during the identity formation phase of development--those awesome teen years. We will make sure our child knows the story about how badly his mom and dad wanted him and how so many other kind people were willing to help us all come together. We aren't sure yet how our infertility saga is going to end. But it is already taking a village for us to find our child, and that will be a beautiful part of his family history. Our family history. Our child will be part of my Mother-in-Law's genealogy. If not by blood than by love. In the end that's all that matters. 

Comments

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Thanks for sharing this Blake. The health stuff is true. I have a sheet that says, "no allergies, good health," and that will be my potential kid's health history. I guess it's about starting where they are. No doubt our kids will know how much they are loved, I kind of feel like by the time they are teenagers all if this third party stuff will hopefully be more out in the open. I too wish adoption wasn't so expensive. It seems so crazy what all of this costs. Anyway, thanks again for your comment.

[Blake]

We've gone back and forth with this discussion many times. Because we realize that we most likely will not have a child that is 100% ours genetically. I have a friend that is the product of sperm donation, (strange way of saying that I know) and she says that the only thing that really bothers her sometimes, is when she wants to know her health history, for herself and her kids. But because she grew up with a dad, she doesn't think about it much. I know that the amount of love I have for my future child or children will be what guides me to teach them about their genealogy and how they came to me and me to them. I just wish adoption wasn't so expensive. It just doesn't seem right!