I know it's never a good thing to be obsessed or totally preoccupied with something. I know that. My brain knows that. But...I can admit that solving the puzzle of how we are going to create our family has become a complete obsession. It's on my mind all the time. The first thing I do when I wake up is think about our embryo popsicle. Or I think about an email I've just gotten from someone who has just had their third unsuccessful IVF cycle. Or I think about my new friend who just got a fibroid the size of a grapefruit removed from her uterus and is slowly recovering. Sometimes I'm not even sure what the actual thought is, but I know it has something to do with infertility. It is the backdrop of my mind, the screen-saver of my brain. It's the number one question and the number one goal--where, when and how to get our baby.
Being conscious of this obsession is important because it helps me know I need to actively do things to calm my mind. I have to take moments to count the things I'm grateful for, and to try and let go of thinking about all the "what-ifs" and all the past hurt and unfairness. I have to find ways to get outside myself--to listen to others or do something that actively engages my body and brain.
I have yet to conquer the obsession, but I'm working on it. Sometimes Noah and I make a date night or watch a movie or agree not to talk about anything IF related, but it doesn't always work. It's not for lack of effort, it just...I don't know, it's just hard. When you want something so bad and there are so few tangible answers and even fewer guarantees, it's difficult to know have a constant barrage of thoughts circling your mind.
Today I hung out with a friend I haven't seen in a while. She recently went back to graduate school and always has some interesting dating story to tell. For about two hours I felt completely engrossed in her life, her worries, her feelings, her excitements. It was great! For both of us. It proved to me that I can put the infertility obsession on hold--if even for a few hours. Though it's not always easy, it is very freeing. It reminds me of who I was before I landed here on IF Island.
So this weekend, for anyone who has a similar obsession right now, I highly recommend trying to put the IF thoughts, worries, wonders, hopes--all of it aside. Mentally pick them up, put them in a box, seal the box, and set a timer for at least two hours. And enjoy whatever it is you choose to do 150%!
Good luck and lots of love!
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