The Cycle of Disappointment Continues

My Aunt Flow came to town last night, making us zero for four in months trying naturally since our last frozen transfer. I know we have a plan and I feel good about the embryo donation this coming summer, but it's the process I dread. The seven weeks on Lupron, the progesterone shots, the travel, the 2ww, the possibility of yet another heartbreak. I know the anticipation of it all is worse than being in the actual process, but the process is pretty rough. A big part of me has just been hoping some miracle would happen that would spare us having to go through this.

Somehow, deep in my soul, I believe Noah and I can make a baby on our own. I want to believe it. I want so badly to just have this process end. To finally have a family. It's not about genetics of the baby at all--it's about being totally exhausted by the process. It's about my intense biological urge to procreate and my physical need to carry our child. Gathering up the strength to go through another ART cycle makes me so...sad. 

I can't believe people can just get pregnant. I just can't fathom what that must be like--the ease and excitement. Just as those people can't possibly fathom what it's like for us on IF Island to go month after month, year after year, with no luck. The desperation and devastation is unexplainable.

Acceptance of our situation almost feels like the easy part. It's the sad--sadness in its absolute purest form that sometimes feels intolerable. Like honey that runs thin and almost clear, transparent. There are no bits and pieces of anger or fuzzy spots of resentment (well, maybe there are some), but mainly it's uncontaminated sadness. I just don't want to feel sad anymore. I just don't want to have this brick of disappointment fall on us month after month. It's enough already.

So last night I cried, for the first time in a while. I cried and cried and watched an episode of House of Cards and cried some more. And Noah breathed heavier, slower, the way he does when he's sad and thinking about frustrating things he's thought about a thousand times in the past, and we fell asleep holding hands to the sound of my sobs and his breath.

And today I'll wipe my eye, which are already welling with water, and I'll put on a pair of pants, one leg at a time. I'll text my acupuncturist a sad face emoticon and will continue to take my herbs and vitamins. Then I'll go to work and do my job, because that's what we on IF Island do, right? We cry it out and keep on going. Day after day, month after month, year after year. And I remind myself that it won't be like this forever.  

Wishing anyone else out there stuck in the cycle of disappointment so much love.

Comments

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Ugh, Rita. This is all so UNFAIR! I wish that you (and me) and everyone out there who is fighting so hard to create their family could just finally catch a break. Sending lots of love.

[rita]

Camryn, I had the same situation. After miscarriage (2nd ivf) I had positive preg again. I had bled all the time till 6ww -they finally did US and found heardbeat in the tube!! My official dx is blocked tubes!!! I was operated on Xmas eve. After that I had FET-neative. Now I am back again for new IVF..I have no idea what to expect...How to take bad new again,but as you read other people blogs it helps to see that there are other people with the same situations...I still believe it will happen ...but I will not buy preg clothes or sign up at preg forums just because you do not know how long you will be pregnant..

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Oh Camryn! I'm so sorry. There are no words for what you just went through. Unfair, terrible, heartbreaking don't even seem to cut it. My heart goes out to you and I'm so impressed by your strength and optimistic attitude. You're a true warrior. I wish you all the best and hope you get off the Island for good next time. Sending lots of love.

[Camryn]

Maya, I am so sorry you have to shoulder such sadness. It is a sad, sorry state we are living in. I was afraid to come to this blog for a few weeks because, joy of all joys, I got pregnant on my last round of IVF! It worked - and we were overjoyed. And I signed up for all these pregnancy forums, and joined "What to Expect" the App!, and started ordering maternity clothes from H&M. And then, last week….I bled. A lot. And at what was supposed to be our 7-week heartbeat scan, they found nothing. No signs of pregnancy in my uterus. I sobbed like I've never sobbed before, freaking out all the IVFers in the waiting room at my Danish hospital. Then another doctor came into the room and shouted, "We need to operate on you." "We think it's in the tubes - your beta numbers are too high." So I had 6 hours to digest my last meal and the grief that was swallowing me whole, as I sat on a hospital bed next to a 50-year old Icelandic woman recovering from a hysterectomy. My surgery was later that night. I got out of the hospital 2 days later. This has been the saddest week of my life. We overcame 10 separate hurdles and severe DOR to get to "two pink lines" and then it all fell apart. In the operating theatre, I was weeping quietly while holding the hand of my heroic anesthesiologist, Bjørn (doctors charmingly go by first name in Denmark) and I told him my story and he looked me in the eyes and said, "Life is so unfair. But never give up." Which was the last thing I heard before drifting off. Life is harder for us on IF island, but it will not be the end of us. Keep on trucking, sweet girl! Our turn will come.

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Hi Charity. You are never alone here on IF Island. It just feels that way sometimes. Sending you lots of love.

[Charity]

I just want you to know that I so appreciate your thoughts and feelings. It is such a lonely place on If island. It helps me so much to know others feel the same as myself.

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Thanks for all the love and support ladies! I needed it. And I send it right back to all of you.

[Rebecca]

It's so hard and so sad, like you can actually feel your heart hurting. Thinking of you both, and hoping your family is complete soon because I know the heartache is almost unbearable! Lots of positive energy your way!

[Cassie C.]

Hi..I to have PCOS and am 39 trying to successfully deliver my first child. Have you ever heard of crampbark and false unicorn root. It is a herbal elixir and it after all other things failed help me to conceive and become pregnant. Unfortunately I lost my child at 20 weeks due to an incompetent cervix. I recommend this herbal elixir (made by pure herbs ltd) to all couples struggling with infertility. Stay in faith our babies will arrive!!

[Cheryl]

Positive thoughts and virtual hugs sent your way!! I can absolutely relate. Despite almost 4 years of trying and NOTHING, I still hold out hope every month that we'll be the ones that have that surprise BFP!! Besides the countless IUI's & IVF's, I've had over 9 monitored natural cycles that show everything is in order. So ??? Meanwhile my friends are like, "I have a serious thyroid condition, only have one ovary, just turned 40, never even get my period, was on birth control and STILL got pregnant." Ugh. ;)

[Davy S]

So sorry. Please know that you are not alone. I can totally relate.

[Sarah, UK]

So hard to keep bouncing back......but you will because you have too, what's the alternative...give up? noooo us IF islanders are tougher than that. Wishing you strength and love.

[phaira]

sending you love right back (and virtual hugs).

[Natasha]

It is very hard because,for me at least, I feel it's totally out of my control. Despite the meds and the vitamines and the rest its feels so far away that I honestly can't imagine what it would feel like to see a positive hpt or ever be pregnant.

I hope that it happens for you and Noah soon and that your luck just changes... maybe twins. lots of love and fertile wishes your way

[Dani]

Ugh, I'm so sorry, M. You deserve better - and you'll get there. Just sorry it wasn't this cycle.