Blowing out another candle

Today is my birthday. It's hard to see the day as anything more than getting one step closer to that significant plunge that happens at 35 on a fertility decline chart. I'm one dot away from a sharp line into the abyss. Birthdays on IF Island can feel like a reminder of how long you've been here. Needless to say I don't feel much like celebrating.

Last night was a little rough. Thinking about ditching my birth control exactly four years ago when I turned 30. Being convinced that by some time in 2011, Noah and I would be parents. We never imagined we'd still be struggling to make a family. We could never imagine all the confusion and frustration and heartbreak. Who can imagine this? Who can plan for this? You just can't. Four years on IF Island doesn't seem real.

I was feeling sad last night, thinking about all this. Feeling the fear of inching closer to the cliff of 35 and worrying about the next steps ahead. I was tossing and turning as I do most nights, when all of a sudden, at exactly midnight it started to rain. Not just rain but pour. Out here in LA LA Land, California, it almost never rains, so I wasn't sure what the sound was a first. I got up and went to the window and watched the water come down from the clouds, making the trees outside a deeper shade of green and the concrete floor glossy. I imagined the rain washing away the sad memories of the last four years. I know it's not that simple, but it was cleansing to think about letting a lot of it go.

I'm not one year closer to 35, I'm one day closer. And who cares. Nothing is really changing. It's just a day. A day where I can think about everything I do have--my loving husband, my supportive family and friends, my home, my job, good food, the best pillows on earth, and an upcoming opportunity to create a family in a pretty interesting alternative way. It's easy to count the things we don't have, but if we shift our perspective, it can be just as easy to think of what we do have. Turning 34 in the fertility world isn't the most lucrative age, but on the time-line of my life 34 is still at the front end. There is a lot of good things yet to come, and one of those things is becoming a mother. It's important to adjust the lens or just swap out the close-up lens for a wide angle. 

So on my birthday, I don't have to feel super celebratory, but I don't have to sulk. It's another day for me to feel loved and share love and appreciate my life and all that I have that makes it full. But when it comes time to blow out a candle later, there will only be one wish. The same wish I've been making for the last few years. Maybe this will be the year that wish comes true. 

Comments

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Thanks for all the birthday love! I'm sorry so many of you can relate to the age thing feeling like a ticking time bomb! And Shirley, I'm SHOCKED about your 18 eggs with none to transfer! So sorry. I have a friend who had 27 eggs and one to transfer and it didn't take. It's so devastating. Happy Saturday everyone.

[Shirley]

Happy birthday, Maya!

I came across your blog while looking ways on how to deal with failed IVF cycle. I was supposed to have my ET yesterday but it turned out that none of my 18 fertilized eggs were grown to the ideal size for transfer. Seriously, what is the probability of that happened?! I felt devastated but swallow my tears till I left the consultation suite.

I wish your birthday wish will comes true.

[Camryn]

Happy birthday, Maya. All good things to you and your husband. I hope this is Your year.

[Tami]

Happy Birthday! May this be your time Maya:) what you wrote is beyond beautiful. Take care. Tami

[KB]

Happy Birthday! I turned 34 in October, and felt the same way. Then I thought- wait, why do I act like I turn 34 one day, and turn 50 the next? When we're in our 40's, 50's and beyond, we'll feel about this age the way we do now about our 20's- man, I wish we had known how young we were! Infertility has taken so much away from us- I refuse to let it make me feel older than I actually am. (Refuse = try really really hard not to let it bother me :) )
KB

[Ann]

I've been reading your blog and just came across this. I relate completely. My 37th is in 2 weeks exactly and the heart just sinks...In one night, we plunge down on the infertility graph, just like that. Don't lose heart. If we could actually graph the bizarre and multi-directional paths that women actually take, it would look like an etch-a-sketch. All over the place. Happy birthday and do something that makes you really, really happy.

[Janet Ballin]

Happy Birthday Maya! I'm so sorry you're going through this. I hope all your birthday wishes come true very soon.
Xo Janet

[phaira]

Happy Birthday! Hoping your birthday wish comes true. ;)

41 isn't the most lucrative age either but we work with what we have and hope beyond hope that our little miracle is out there somewhere, waiting to find us.

[Blake]

Happy Birthday!