I found myself repeating this phrase this weekend as I started to look at the calendar and create a to-do list for the embryo donation. We have to get the legal contract notarized, I have to look into which pharmacy is the cheapest for the meds, figure out plane tickets and work our cycle schedule around my best friend's wedding. I want to get my thyroid and vitamin D checked because I've read that problems with these things can lead to miscarriage. I have to figure out how much it's going to cost to have part of the cycle monitored here...exhale. It's actually not that much to do considering how much we've had to do during other cycles, but by A.R.T. round...six, I'm exhausted just thinking about gearing up. On Saturday, I put down my notebook and looked at Noah and said, "I just want a family!"
He looked back at me and smiled and agreed. He's tired too. But then he reminded me that we are our own little family and we're going to be okay.
I started trying to shift my focus on the family I do have, and I realized I have many families. Noah, our house plant, and I are a little family. I have my incredibly supportive family of origin who loves me and does everything they can to help us every day. I have my yoga family who keeps me sane and grounded, and my family of beautiful gals at work, who cheer me on and lend an ear when I need help processing something. I have my family of friends and neighbors, and my family here on-line, on IF Island, who understand the struggle and help to normalize my experiences. By focusing on what I do have, rather than what I'm missing, I'm able to remember I'm loved and supported, and have much love and support to give.
Those of us on IF Island have to work so hard to create our nuclear family. We have to plan and compromise and research and let go of things we don't want to let go of. We have to try, and try again. We have to have multiple people involved in this usually intimate process of making a baby. We have to ride the emotional roller coaster time and time again, and we have to believe that one day our life and our family will feel complete.
One day my family with Noah will include our baby, and it will feel complete. Well, we do want two kids but I'm going one step at a time here. OMG, the thought of having to figure all this out after we already have a kid just made me break out into a cold sweat. What if I'm 50 by the time this works out? I'm not going to think about it. AHHHH! What I am going to think about is the love I have in my life, and the sense of community and belonging I am so grateful for.
Happy Monday to my IF Island family. I appreciate you all so much and send so much love to everyone out there!
Ugh Erin. I hope your numbers go up. Waiting to know what is going on in your body and your life is so hard! Fingers crossed for you. And sending BFP thoughts your way.
Posted by: Don't Count Your Eggs | May 01, 2014 at 07:28 PM
After banning "Google" during my first IVF cycle, I found your blog tonight and reading it was exactly what I needed. After a 6 day blast transfer of two healthy embryos, I found out today that I have a positive blood beta test, but my HcG levels are very low. I am attempting to hold out hope but am realistic about the likely outcome. Thank you for expressing on your blog so many of the thoughts that I have been thinking and too scared to acknowledge in words. It is nice to know I am not alone on IF Island.
Posted by: Erin | April 29, 2014 at 07:51 PM
Hi Jen. Sorry you're struggling. I get it. The trauma of what you've already been through does not help on round four. I wish you all the best! Samantha thanks for the vote of confidence for the Vit D. I want to get my levels tested but my doctors aren't making it easy. Like you said, can't hurt. Mylifeasacasestudy, thanks for sharing your blog. Will check it out!
Posted by: Don't Count Your Eggs | April 15, 2014 at 10:10 PM
Hi there, I just stumbled upon your blog today and it's so helpful to my mental health to know that there is someone else out there that share my same feelings! Good luck in your next round, my husband and I are on our 4th round of IVF ( I am struggling with it, just because we have had heartbreaking past rounds) Thank you for writing this blog I'm so happy that I found it:)
Posted by: Jen | April 15, 2014 at 12:29 PM
Hi there! I've just started following your blog! I even referenced your post 'Do Count Your Eggs' to another blogger who was looking for ways to increase egg quality for her next IVF (check her out: www.barrenbetty.wordpress.com). I'm a blogger dealing with RPL and subsequent unexplained IF. XO
Posted by: Mylifeasacasestudy.wordpress.com | April 14, 2014 at 07:27 PM
I will second the Vitamin D hun, I took 10,000 IU daily leading up to and during IVF, continued that into pregnancy until Dr told me back off to 5,000 about halfway through. I don't think it will hurt, my parents in law swear by it for seriously everything. Good luck with upcoming cycle, thinking of you!! Xx
Posted by: Samantha | April 14, 2014 at 11:21 AM