Projecting fears and fantasies with third party reproduction

Lately, I've been catching myself projecting my fears and fantasies onto our donated embryo. I think a lot about the possible child-to-be. I wonder about him or her, as most hopeful or expecting parents do. The difference in my case, and for others who are using a donor egg or sperm, (or both) is that there is no frame of reference. I have very little information about the anonymously donated embryo. I know the basics: age of the genetic parents, hair and eye color, weight and height. The egg donor is tall and has no allergies. The sperm contributor likes to cook and enjoys sports. I have one baby picture of the egg donor as  four-year-old, and well, she looks like a four-year-old.  When Noah first saw the picture of her he said, "she has really little teeth." Again, she's a four year old. 

When you have very little information to ground you, sometimes you start making stuff up. Does anyone else do this? I know do. A lot.  When I'm feeling excited and confident about our donated embryo, I imagine him or her to be tall and beautiful. Athletic and bright, with strong math and science abilities, (not sure why) and a kind and gentle temperament. I see blond-ish hair and smooth skin and honey colored almond shaped eyes. When I'm more anxious about the embryo, I envision a kid that looks like Herman Munster meets a sumo wrestler. I see a big, square head, a heavy jaw (with tiny teeth), and little beady eyes. I fear that because the sperm provider was over 45, that the kid could be more at risk for things like autism, and I get totally worked up and fearful. This kind of projection can drive a person nuts!

The truth is each of us is a unique individual. Some of us look or act exactly like one or both of our genetic parents, and some of us wonder if we were even born into the right family. Noah and I could make a Herman Munster sumo wrestler who is somewhere on the autism spectrum. We don't think we would, but it's possible.

There is such a strong craving to know more about the anonymous people who donated parts of their DNA. There is an insatiable need to know if they were good looking or smart or at least somewhat normal. But there is also the need to let that go. Because we've chosen an anonymous situation, all we have are two sheets of paper with a few facts. We know that a child was made from the batch of embryos we are getting, and that child is reportedly healthy. That's all I've got to go on.

So Noah and I have to embrace the unknown, and remind ourselves that all of this is unknown. While we may have a better sense of what our child might be like if it were genetically ours, that might lead to just more assumptions and projections. Every person comes into this world as a very unique being, and the more I think about it in these terms, the more accepting and open I can feel about whoever our little embryo turns out to be. 

Wondering if anyone else has thoughts about this? And wishing everyone a very beautiful weekend. 

 

 

Comments

[Ann]

This post is beautiful. A very human love letter to trust.

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Hi. Welcome! So strange that this is the only post you can find. Maybe try going to the home page http://dontcountyoureggs.typepad.com/

We did transfer the donated embryo and I had my third beta today and my numbers are rising. I had a very low first beta so I'm cautiously optimistic. Thanks for reading!

[Jessah]

I just found your blog…don't know how I've never stumbled across it before. Trying to figure out where you are in your journey. Did you transfer this one donated embie? This is the last post I could find but it was a few months ago.