My wife tells me this is a very important week in the world of infertility. We’re supposed to talk about what we need to learn or maybe what we’ve learned that other people can learn from. I don’t know. I’m easily confused and distracted. My wife asked me to write a guest post in honor of this infertility awareness. I’m painfully aware of infertility, unfortunately, as I know you are. I guess one thing I can help others to be aware of is one of the roles a husband plays in this unfortunate process. Feel free to substitute “husband” for “partner” or “wife” in this scenario. Basically, you’re the co-pilot on this long flight to parenthood.
The emotional toll infertility would take on my wife and I individually, and as a couple, was something I was not prepared for. I’m a pretty rock-solid dude that doesn’t get rattled by much, but it’s been the emotional wounds collected on this long process that have hurt worse than shots or medical bills. One of my jobs is to be a cheerleader for my wife as she goes through this arduous battle with her own body. I listen to her worries and frustrations, I wipe her tears, and I do what I can to inject some normalcy into a ridiculous situation. I’m not saying I always do it correctly, that’s just one of my main responsibilities in this situation.
The hard part - and something new co-pilots need to remember - is that not paying attention to how this is having an effect on myself eventually rears up and kicks me. Hard. I often push aside processing my own feelings and anger and frustrations for the sake of dealing with my wife’s, and when I finally do get to that place it can feel overwhelming. So, as a husband, you need to process this, too. In any way. At any time. For me it’s being in nature or playing sports or going to the gym and sweating it out. But you need to do something with that emotion and weight you keep collecting. She’s counting on you to help her. She’s counting on you to listen and be there and be really gentle with those shots. She’s also counting on you to be present and to process this. It may be different from how she processes this horrible situation, but she needs you to go through it, too. Pushing everything aside and not dealing with your own co-pilot fears and sadness may seem like the heroic thing to do but it really doesn’t help either of you in the long run.
I had no idea that I’d have to process much more than frustration, mostly because I had no idea we’d be several years into infertility with no resolution. So if you’re new to this world or you’re several IUIs and IVFs into the process like we are, dig in. Deal with your anger. Allow yourself to yell or cry or whatever you have to do. However you have to do it. And then get right back into helping her.
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