This above all: To thine own self be true

I'm in New York, attending a workshop on counseling for infertility with Helen Adrienne, a wonderful mind-body therapist here, so I'm have to be brief because blogging on the iPad is just weird. Apologies if this posts in one giant block of text. Today, in the seminar, Helen talked about the authentic self, and it got me thinking about how living on IF Island can really rock a person to their core. So much so that they don't remember who they were, how they were, or what brought them joy and laughter and happiness before the storm hit. I've definitely had moments like that, where I've wanted to do something fun but couldn't even recall what having fun felt like. Or times where I've been so agitated or sad I hardly recognized myself. Living with infertility can definitely disrupt the natural flow of your life and relationship. It can cause you to feel and act like you're wearing horse blinders so that the only thing you can see or focus on is what is happening next on your IF journey. Infertility is all consuming and overwhelming in that way. But one thing that resonated with me today was this idea of finding your authentic self again. Of getting to the core of your being and knowing who that person is and what makes that person smile. We are told so many negative things about ourselves and our bodies on IF Island, that we have to work even harder to reframe the situation. I am not a broke, broken woman who feels sad all the time. Though I am sometimes a hot mess, I have to remember that I am a woman in search of her baby. That I'm a determined and goofy gal who has been handed a real serious bag of lemons that I'm desperately trying to turn into lemonade. That's my authentic self. My truth is that I am supposed to be a mother. I just know that in my heart. No doctor can take away that truth from me. My challenge now is to always remember that, even when it seems like everything is being stacked against me. Sending so much love from the Big Apple and a reminder to know yourself and remember yourself. Remember that hormones and stress and the fear of the unknown are serious factors on IF Island, but if you can push away the dark clouds for even a few hours a day, the light, your light, can shine through.

Comments

[Don't Count Your Eggs]

Oh Heather. Ten years on the Island! Awful. A break seems like a good choice and I hope your heart can heal and you and your hubs can reconnect. We are always here to send love and support, no matter where you are. And we wish you all the best.
Dani-- you rock! Thanks for sharing that. What a perfect story to remind us that as helpless as IF can make us feel we are actually pretty rockin capable gals. I'm going to Continue on that theme tonight! I I hope you printed the hell out of that machine!!!!!

[Dani]

This post is timely for me too. Infertility has brought a lot of "needing help" to my life. I need help to get pregnant. I need help to pay for the help to get pregnant. I need help getting to and from procedures. I need help when I get OHSS or surgery and am on bed rest. I need help dealing with my feelings. I need help keeping up the house because I often feel overwhelmed.

There's nothing wrong with asking for help when you need it, but this whole process has made me feel, well, like a totally helpless person.

Today I did something new. I fixed my laser printer. It was a complicated fix that my husband didn't feel he could take on. We asked a bunch of mechanically savvy friends for help but no one wanted to dismantle our machine. But today I was sick of asking for help. I needing to fucking print something. So I rolled up my sleeves and took apart my entire printer. And I figured out how to fix it. By myself. Without help (ok, I had the internet but that hardly counts!) I did it with sheer determination. A (very) small victory, I know, but it felt huge to me.

I know you can't get pregnant with determination alone (Heather if you're reading this I'm sure you understand that better than most - and I'm so very sorry.) But even if I can't will myself or work myself pregnant, I got to tap in to the person I was before all this. A person who propelled my life forward with determination. A person who felt the satisfaction of my independence. Fleeting as it may be, I got to feel like my old self again. Though it doesn't always feel within my control, I hope to see more of that person.

Maya - hope you came away with lots more from your workshop! Sorry for this super long comment! Must be in a sharing mood.

[Heather]

Thanks, I needed this today.

Our IVF did not work and our journey to have a child is over.

It is hearbreaking and I'm sure I'll be sad--but I also know that after 10 years on this island, 9 failed pregnancies, and all of the treatments, injections and appointments, I am exhausted and I need a break. I need to get back in touch with myself and my husband, we need to begin our lives together.

For sanity reasons, I need to quit trolling fertility blogs--but if it's not too much to ask, I would love to know when the documentary comes out.

Good things to everyone....I wish for all of you to have happy and healthy babies--but most of all, I wish each and every one of you peace.